Feeling excited today.

This whole week has been a battle with extreme boredom, as there is no work to do. However there is an unspoken conspiracy that we all pretend we have a lot to do. No one wants to lose their jobs. This is evident in the fact that all the staff walk around announcing in very loud voices, what they are working on or where they are going. I don't bother. Someone must think I'm working on something, with all the diaryland typing I'm doing.

I'm excited because my friend Beverly is coming from out of town, and we'll spend the weekend together. She has never come to visit me, though I've been to visit her many times.

I like Beverly because she is honest, and caring, and wise. Beverly is the one that told me, casually, because she knew I could handle it, that she, Anna, and the Psycho would hang out occasionally. I like this approach much better, as opposed to Anna's ommissions and cover-ups. There is some sadness about Psycho somehow infiltrating my group of friends... but this is what she does... Frank told me she's done it before.

As soon as she found out I was dating Frank, Psycho ran out to make friends with my friends. It's some kind of power trip. I'm sure they all think she's very nice, but they don't have to date her. Also she is not stalking, sending weird emails, letters and packages to their boyfriends. I've decided not to bring these things up anymore, so as not to make the mutual friends in the middle feel uncomfortable. It is my belief that people such as Psycho eventually reveal themselves in every relationship. And what is she trying to do? Find out information about me and Frank? Big fucking deal; what's to know? I might actually make up a few stories if that's what she's looking for (though I can't really imagine Beverly and Anna spilling the beans- they're not very gossipy). Really I think she just wants to rub it in our faces; to prove to Frank and I that she is here to stay, to be an annoying little fly in the ointment, as they say. This is indicative of some sort of obsessive disease. Considering Psycho has two children, I would think her energy should go elsewhere.

As for my own fucked up energy and emotional overindulgence, yeah, I have to lighten up too. I saw Frank last night and he wasn't even annoyed like I thought he was. I apologized, and he asked me why. I said I just feel so complex sometimes, and I hate feeling that way. So I asked if he'd ever met a "simple" woman and his answer was no, he didn't think one existed. This made me feel much better. I said, "Maybe, if women weren't complex and grounding to men, men would just float off into space like balloons," and he said, "Wouldn't the planet be better, don't you think?" It was a sweet conversation. Frank geniunely likes women.

The only thing that worries me is my own lapse of energy. The sex felt flat. He was hard, I was wet, but the whole time, I felt this deep tiredness in me, like I didn't really want to be there. What is going on?

I don't know if I'm having some kind of flashbacks. For one, yesterday I had this extremely painful glimpse of my mother's abuse. I mean, I've known this all along, but for some reason yesterday I was able to feel the pain with some new clarity. I feel it bubbling up, totally taking over; I allow myself to experience it for a few minutes, but then it's like it gets swallowed. I had a bad day at class, where my teacher used me as an example in front of everyone, and not in the nicest of ways.

To top it off, during foreplay with Frank, I suddenly just started remembering bad experiences with my boyfriend when I was fourteen. The guy whose main goal was to break as many hymens (with his fingers) as possible, mine included, even though I didn't even know what was going on the first time. So I kind of lost my hymen without really knowing I ever had one to give. So the choice felt like it was taken away too. And he hurt me constantly, fingering me (we never had intercourse). I went along with it, thinking maybe it was supposed to hurt, even making sounds like the women in the movies, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. But after a couple of months, I just said I didn't want to do it anymore; I bled everytime and didn't enjoy it. He pressured me into doing it more. Fearing abandonment or loss of love, I went along with it. Eventually he broke up with me because of my inexperience; which felt like the ultimate betrayal, since I had endured much pain and bleeding for him (I don't know what he was doing to me, because I have not experienced that kind of situation since).

Yesterday I felt like SYBIL.

As Frank was stroking me, I had the body memory of that pain, of being penetrated yet not wanting it. The body remembers everything.

I didn't say anything about it, and eventually pushed it away, carried on with Frank but experienced that tiredness I mentioned.

Maybe part of becoming more intimate is being able to release some of this other shit. But yesterday felt like too much. Still Frank was sweet. He gave me a g-spot orgasm and then, when he entered me, after a while he said, "You feel afraid." "I do?" "Yeah, your muscles don't feel relaxed."

That's another thing you can say about Frank. Usually he's on the ball with this kind of stuff, attention-wise (that's why when he doesn't pay attention or 'forgets', it drives me crazy!). If we sleep in the same bed for 4 nights in a row, it's like he can read my mind.

So sex was cut short, and we just held each other. Secretly I was relieved because I was not into it. But it seemed easier to let it be his decision than to refuse him. I have fears of appearing frigid (Remember Derek? If I refused sex with him he would get verbally abusive and accuse me of pulling off a great sham: appearing beautiful and sexual on the outside yet being a frigid bitch underneath. Thanks, Der, now I'm scarred for life! haha).

I slept soundly, feeling more rested than I have in a while. I teased Frank awake and we made love until he came, which happened rather quickly (not surprising considering last night, I suppose). I either was still waking up or experiencing the same flatness, but just happy that Frank was pleased.

So today feels sweet. And tonight I will have my Beverly.

Even Sybil must have had good days?

Thanks for listening,

Duck

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