Last night Frank greeted me with a shy smile and a hug. He had to run out for an emergency with his family, but came back about an hour and a half later. It was so late, that we just turned the light off and went to bed, so it didn't feel like I really even got to see him. But we did talk a bit, and this morning when we woke up early.

Frank said he was thinking about giving me the money for the training. I said that wasn't necessary.

On my way to work, he related a conversation that he'd had with a friend. His friend told him, "Whether you stay with her or not, you've really become a man in this relationship." I told him I loved him. He responded with, "I'll call you later."

For some reason, this felt crushing. And I felt really angry. So angry that he may not love me. Angry that this whole relationship thing has gone on so long... and he is so ambivalent. Angry that I feel like I am being led on a string, waiting and unsure. This is what heartbreak is, for sure. Not knowing. Constantly trying to read the other person to see if they have any feeling for you. I feel like I'm on some kind of probation, while he decides. I don't want his stupid money. Why, so he can make himself feel better? Yeah, we broke up, but I supported Duck and helped her get her career going. Fuck you, Frank. I don't want that. I don't want your brotherly charity. I want your heart. I want you as a lover.

Crying on my way to work. Felt so hopeful last night, after reassuring emails from my friends, and I didn't want to be here again, at this hopeless place.

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