Did you ever feel like the Universe is playing tricks on you?

My weekend was... well, nothing special. First of all my friend Aleda invited herself over on Friday. I would have said no, but I'd already admitted to having no plans. I supppose it was a good thing, since it forced me to go home and clean and make my apartment presentable, which, I am sorry to say, I have not been so good about since I have been spending most of my time lying in bed and crying my eyes out.

I was glad she did come. We spent half the night just sitting at my kitchen table and talking-- she does know about the separation, and we talked about that quite a bit. She listened to how I felt about it, and she says she thinks Frank will miss me and want me back-- thanks Aleda.

She ended up staying over, and left early in the morning to go to work. So the rest of my Saturday went as follows:

Ate English muffin. Watched "Gone With the Wind". Went outside, briefly, to go grocery shopping. It was exhausting. Had lunch. Reorganized jewelry box. Played some music. Watched more movies. Became increasingly depressed. Cried. Watched more movies. Slept.

Sunday: woke up. Cried. Cried some more. Reorganized bookshelf. Took a shower and went to the club. The DickRubber was not there, thankfully. I avoided the SillyMan too. Instead danced with a series of nice gentlemen. I made sure to tell them that I appreciated their gentlemenliness in the beginning, just so they would think of themselves in that light.

I only had one semi-unpleasant experience-- one guy that I danced with several times, but he talked continually. About how I could learn how to dance better, and how pretty I was, and a bunch of trite things like, "I like your smile. You know why? Smile and the world smiles with you. Weep and you weep alone." Considering I spent the majority of the weekend weeping alone, I didn't really need his running commentary. I had told him I had a boyfriend and that he was out of town. "I would never leave you alone. That's like leaving a gold mine out in the open!" Okay great you've just known me two minutes. It would have been bearable had he not followed me off the dance floor and continued to talk. Because if he was standing right next to me, no other men would ask me to dance. And he's not asking me to dance, and dancing is what I've come here for, so basically he's wasting my time. "Do you like this music? Dancing is like making love," he says. He was turning me off more and more. I realize this is not the type of conversation normal people need to have. Did he think I was 12 years old or something? That he needs to explain the world to me? Give me a fucking break. "Why does your face get so serious when I say that?" I excused myself and went to the ladies' room. When I re-emerged I was sure to cross over to the other side of the room. Then I danced with much nicer men.

I don't consider myself a prude, but I just want to go out and enjoy myself for the evening. If men are going to attempt to chat me up, they should at least think of original and appropriate things to say. I'm not in fucking high school. Also, I should just be able to go out and dance and not have to worry about my fucking virtue all night, like is someone trying to grope me or whatever. An adult male should be able to express his interest or attraction in a reasonable manner. Ugh!

Okay so on to today. I'm sitting here, the Ex just calls and tells me-- get this-- that he wants me to move back to my hometown... move in with HIM so we can be TOGETHER... wha? This is the guy that was so afraid of an emotional relationship he eventually would not kiss me or hold my hand. I thought it was a joke, that he was pulling my leg. He said it's not a joke. He's tired of being alone, and he loves me, I am an amazing woman, and he wants to be with me. My head was spinning. I said, is this really about me, about wanting to be with me, or is it about not wanting to be alone? A little of both, he supposes.

I really don't think Ex is emotionally mature enough to realize what he is asking. He's never been in any kind of relationship (except the casual "non-exclusive" kind of sexual thing we had) nor has he ever lived with anyone. Him asking for this is like... a child believing he can go to the moon. I reminded Ex that we were in this position once before, we started seeing each other and he was very excited about being in some kind of relationship, but the more it went on, the more frightened he became and the more he pushed me away. Not to mention, I'm in a relationship at this moment and I love Frank. Ex seemed surprised that I said that... he doesn't get love either.

Whichever. He wants me to think about it. I know it is just a fantasy. Ex doesn't know the first thing about being in an emotional relationship, much less living with someone.

Also, I just want Frank back. I've been praying and hoping that the very words Ex said to me would come out of Frank's mouth.

How's that for a cosmic joke?

[previous] [next]