#2
Dear Diary,

Just had an "explosion" of grief... I guess I should notice the signs. I feel kind of numbed out, just want to watch TV or tool around on the internet... but there's a way I feel nothing. And then if tears come up it is very intense. And then I want to eat something sweet. Hmm. Notice a pattern here?

Maybe the whole eating disorder came up- it developed almost 12 years ago- because some deep feelings of sadness came up for me and I didn't know how to deal with them. And now I notice that as soon as I stop crying, I am looking for something sweet to eat. Maybe my constant cravings for sweets has been to avoid these intense feelings of sadness.

Just a thought.

I wish I knew what I was hiding from myself... but apparently, if you look at my dream this morning and what I do to myself, it is pretty terrifying for me.

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