Dear Diary,

My life is just no fair, and that's how it is. It's no fair that I have dreams EVERY NIGHT about a man I have not seen in eight months, who doesn't call, reach out, or have any interest in relating to me AT ALL.

No fair, I say!

This morning he was back again.... the only actual part I remember of this dream was looking for him and not being able to find him... trying to reset my father's digital alarm clock and messing it all up (it was 6:39- think those numbers are significant?) and then settling down on the couch, watching TV and eating the biggest popsicle ever. It had four sticks, was as tall as my head and kind of a strawberry creme. Bright pink, mmm, mmm. Then M came in and I was like, "Oh hey, baby, I was looking for you... were you with Nicole?" and he said yes. (Nicole is a girl I work with). M plops down beside me and my huge popsicle...

So. Another dream where it seems like we are dating. Is this just a problem in my brain, an unwillingness to give up, (dream dictionary flippantly defines dreaming of someone you have broken up with as an inability to move on. duh.) or something else? Don't know. I tell myself, it won't be like this forever.... but, I don't think I dreamed of Frank this much, however I hardly slept so there wasn't much time for dreaming anyway...

Yesterday I went to see Kate. It was a long appointment, and she spent extra time on me. I went with the intention on working on judgement of myself, since that truly seems to be the crux of all my problems... I mean things could be what they are, but it's my own mental dialogue that stinks. M left because he was fucked up and confused after a long marriage and divorce. And I knew that back then. But the longer I have been alone, my head makes it that I wasn't pretty enough, or I did the wrong things. Just like in my previous dream about standing in the river, all the garbage that I truly think about myself has risen to the surface.

And I can see lots of ways in which "not being good enough" pervades my thinking. I've mentioned here before that for most of my life, I would easily take hand-me-downs. Now that's a very green and frugal thing to do, but it wasn't for those reasons. Clothes and things that "weren't me", didn't fit properly or I didn't even like.... because deep down I didn't believe that I deserved anything new. I noticed it the other day when making lunch.... I buy expensive, organic foods and don't eat them... why? Back in the day, my mother would balk at the thought of buying a red pepper or fancy mushrooms because "they're expensive". There was almost an air of, this food is special, we're saving it for a special occasion, don't eat it. I would get in trouble if I ate too much of the "expensive" food or ate it at the wrong time. So now I do the same thing to myself... I buy the food and it's in my fridge, but at the same time I think the food is too good for me, so it rots in there. Doesn't make much sense, but it's true.

Remember when I told you about how I would go to the store with M and he would buy me whatever beauty product I wanted, and I would be so excited because, I don't know.... I guess I never had that as a kid... I truly believed I wasn't worth anything expensive, nice, new, or fancy... I guess that feeling stays with me. I guess it makes sense that I developed an eating disorder 11 years ago... perhaps from a feeling of emptiness and that I was only taking crumbs in my life.

I have combatted this feeling a lot, and accomplished a lot in spite of it... I get all worked up and defiant and say, I WILL HAVE THIS... I have been to Europe and South America and I have taken risks and had fun... but the whole time with an underlying feeling that I was getting away with something...

So is it any wonder that I haven't found lasting love? If in my own body and mind I really feel like I deserve nothing of value... not even decent hand creme... how would I be able to attract a man in my life who thinks the world of me?

M was a perfect reflection of myself. Since he left I have put him on a pedestal and made it mean so much that he rejected me... yes it fits perfectly into my script... of course he doesn't want me because I am horrible!! However, he doesn't even like himself very much. He is a big scaredy-cat. He worries all the time about how he comes off to other people, if he's doing it right, etc. etc. And the more I loved him the more he hated himself, because he didn't love himself enough to let my love in. My loving him went against what he believed about himself, just like these feelings I have of unworthiness.

So how do I change these feelings of unworthiness that I have? I don't know. I guess those are considered beliefs, so I need to start there. I am reading, "The Power of Your Subconscious Mind" so that may help.

Is it the fact that M left that hurts me so or what I believe about M leaving?

Well we know the answer to that question, don't we?

Just did some anger release around M. I really have to commit to doing it everyday... it makes a difference. It's not good for me to just swallow my feelings... they just fester inside and then I turn them on myself.

Have a couple of appointments today, and working tonight.

Later.

Duck

[previous] [next]