Dear Diary,

Last night I went to work, and didn't get done till almost 11pm. It was all good and I was planning on going right home.

Earlier in the day I had gotten a text from one Alister _______, a guy I went to junior high and high school with. To be precise, he was two years ahead of me in school. His family moved into my neighborhood when I was about 13 or so, and I had such a CRUSH on this guy. Truthfully, he was my first Alphie- football star, gorgeous smile, the epitome of the handsome football jock...

So a big crush on him. I remember it being such a big deal when he smiled or talked to me, and the day he signed my yearbook? Whew, I was on cloud nine!

Well Alister stayed in our hometown, married his high school sweetheart (perfect girl to match with perfect guy), opened a restaurant, divorced his high school sweetheart... married someone else, had a kid, got separated... In town for some business deal, and texted me that he was here. (Every time I am home, I stop into his restaurant and show my support, that's how we are connected to this day).

So I called him last night, with plans to try to set something up for this weekend, but he wanted me to come over to his hotel right away. He said he would pay for a taxi and everything, please please come over.... okay.... I agreed. What the hell? I found the whole thing kind of ironic, that this guy I would have given my eyeteeth for when I was younger, was now begging me to come to his hotel, when he was no longer that interesting to me, on that level.

So I went over... we hung out in his room. He was very handsy, but told me that he and his wife were now back together- more for the sake of the child, I gathered. I think the handsiness may be just part of his personality. But we also talked about a lot of deep stuff. He travels all over for business, and I guess it only makes him realize how small-minded our hometown really is. He told me he was glad I got out of there, and we laughed as we tried to imagine what I would have turned out like if I had stayed... And he told me how he had gotten married too soon, right out of high school, had fallen madly in love with a woman right after that, but somehow that didn't work out, and his heart was broken and he jumped into his next marriage even though it was not the right one. And they had a son, then separated, now he was with her because he didn't want his son to be a child of divorce, like he was...

And I told him about M, and we talked openly and honestly about our heartaches, and lots of other things too. But it was just a cool situation, to just speak honestly to someone that actually, I don't really know that well. He wanted me to stay the night, and leave early in the morning, when he was leaving. Promising to be a perfect gentleman, etc. But still he is married and I could never participate in such a thing, no matter how platonic- I know as a woman that I would have a hard time understanding why my husband slept in the same bed with another woman, under any circumstances.

He was leaking sexual energy anyway, always touching my arm or my leg, and hugging me constantly and kissing me on the cheeks. I just think he is unhappy and lonely in his marriage, and he is in love with someone else, but still, that doesn't make it okay to have a sleepover.

So I left at about 2:30am, and there was a traffic accident so it took me forever to get home... I slept in, had some dreams, but don't remember them. Woke up feeling rather down, but that's nothing new.

Now I think the next time I see Alister, I will need to tell him that he has to be less handsy with me. It takes me a while to process these things, it's true, but it's important for me to speak my mind. I'm just not comfortable with a married man touching me that much, also, I don't even know if I'M really okay with any man toucing me that much, because it wasn't requested and he just started touching me that way... I never really had a say. And that is just part of my own bad boundaries and I have to check in with myself and see what I'm comfortable with.

Also it is always weird to talk to men who think I'm amazing, and don't understand why M left- some of the things Alister said gave me hope, like that there is something special about connection and chemistry, and that is not so easy to find, and that after a while being with different women can just feel like "gymnastics"- and that men do long for connection with women. That was important for me to hear, because I guess oftentimes I start to think that men don't care about connection at all... they can just spend the rest of their lives with bimbos with nice asses, and that's enough for them.... well maybe some men can.

I know I am always searching for ways that M and I can still make it happen. Maybe that is annoying... maybe I am way off base... maybe I am not ready, even now, to let go... but I have to stop beating myself up over it. Not only do I have to give up trying to control and change the situation, but I have to give up trying to control and change my feelings. They are just feelings and they can run their course and they will change on their own, when they are ready. That's why I tell myself, "You can still love him, but you need to move forward," and I'm trying to heal all the unhealthy ways I love him, through need, instead of just through love itself.

Need says that to love him he has to be with me, he has to give me happiness, make my life better.

Love says that I recognize him as his own person, with his own needs, and I am happy with whatever makes him happy- even if that includes not being with me.

It's a tough order... and as I mentioned before, my only job is to get through today, to the best of my ability. Whatever it takes.

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