Hi Diary,

Well I am still at Delia's and today was a long day from the beginning. First thing when Delia gets up she doesn't want to talk to me, she is like me in the morning and has nothing to say to anybody. I guess all the women in my family are like that. So I went and laid back in my bed and figured out (finally) how to turn the TV on in the spare bedroom. I feel so sad most times that my bones physically hurt. Is that normal? I remember seeing a commercial for a depression medication that described it as physical pain. At the time, I didn't understand. Now I do.

An hour or so later and we ran some errands. Delia invited a bunch of people over. I helped her prepare some food and just felt like crying while standing at the sink washing dishes. Most times I just don't feel any joy in my life, about anything, and it's scary. Delia is very concerned and was asking if there was anything she could do... I said no... I had to make some calls and talked to Evi... she was also very supportive and she says this pain will eventually come to an end, and I will be a better person for it. Sometimes I can feel that this is very true, and sometimes I am in so much pain that it is unbearable and I don't think I can get through it. Sometimes I am so pissed off, and M and at myself, for past conversations and things and wishing I had said or done something different... sometimes I feel like a fool... very rarely do I feel worthy and like HE lost something important... I can get so lost in many, many feelings.

I was thinking about that today and said... really... what are the chances that he will meet another woman like me. Even if he gets someone younger, prettier... he might not have the same connection as he does with me. When we met M actually thought I was ten years younger than him (he is actually one year older than me). So I am obviously younger looking than my age. He was pleased to learn that I was the same age because that way we had a lot to talk about. Plus, I am kind and a great lover and overall a caring girlfriend. Why can I not remember this about myself? Why do I feel so replaceable?

Why am I even thinking this way? I have such poor self-esteem. Delia said something the other day... that we are not going to look like this forever, and you need to be with someone who understands that and loves you anyway. Truthfully that never occurred to me. I know now that I am at the age where the invicincible feelings that I will never age are being challenged. I have gray hairs sprouting on my head! Things are changing, overnight it seems, without my permission! I know everybody in their twenties thinks this will never happen to them...and then it does! And I have bought into the culture that says life is only for the young, and now I have to think about dying my hair, getting botox, working harder on my body, yadayada...

Well... what about that. And what about the possibility that there is much more substance to me than how I look. That inside I am a rare and unique person.

And, there may be another guy out there who is smart, funny, playful, crazy, sexy and fun and also who can do things M can't do, like commit to a relationship, tell me he loves me, build a life together and have sex when I'm on top. Hmm...

I don't know. But in the midst of my pain today I prayed, "I know it is important for me to feel and express my grief and let it go... but please just give me one good day." And eventually as the day went on, I felt better and better. Lots of people came over and even though I had kind of a hard time connecting to a lot of them... mostly I followed Delia around... I guess I got caught up in everything and started to feel better. I ate all kinds of food I don't normally eat... but I am on vacation...! And Delia and Bud and all their friends got very drunk indeed, and Bud took out his guitar and played songs and everyone sang. Bud just came in and told me what a nice singing voice I have. I think it sounds better when everyone around me has had a few drinks.

So, who knows. maybe I will get through all this alive. Maybe going through all this sadness, it is all for a good cause. Maybe this is the only way I will truly change and be able to love someone, to truly face loss and no longer have a fear of it. Maybe this is what it takes to turn me into the person I'm supposed to be. Your greatest fear can set you free, once you experience it.

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