Dear Diary,

Getting ready for bed but felt like I should leave a short note. Had a long day beginning in the early morning when Stacey's kid woke me up practically playing right on top of me. Not really a problem, I mean he's a little kid and I am sleeping in his play room!

I helped Stacey put together a baby shower for her friend. I chopped vegetables and arranged plates of fruit, cheese, and cakes. I helped organize games and cleaned up as we went along. I packed up leftovers for everyone to take home. It was exhausting! Then a few of us went out and met with Stacey's guy, AG, and played darts and pool at a bar. I rarely go to bars anymore but I did have fun doing those activities.

Tee has called a couple of times but doesn't leave a message. He's sent me a couple of lame "what's up" text messages, but I don't respond to those. He should just give up. I mean really, he was supposed to call me two weeks ago, and he didn't call. I think he missed the boat!

Elliot texted me yesterday that he wanted to snuggle up with me before I left for Thanksgiving. Then he called in the evening but my phone was off. He was concerned that if I was away, I wouldn't be able to talk on the phone because it would cost extra. I called him this morning and assured him that it was no problem to receive calls and that my phone plan included that. Then another text message later on in the day asking me when I was coming back and what airport am I flying into... weird to me because why doesn't he just call me? Ah it makes me tired. But I will stick to my guns. It's Saturday night and he is probably off at some sex party anyway. He's put more writing up on his FB page as well as 15 new photos of himself... some of them are a bit silly in a pretentious sort of way, I admit.

When I look at the photos of him I am deeply torn. There are parts I like about Elliot but I am very doubtful about having anything meaningful with him. And some of that sex party polyamory stuff just makes me want to run away. It seems too complicated. I lived with that with Alphie and Don, and in a way I was okay with it, but in other ways in my worst moments, I felt really lonely and passed over.

I don't know what I want but I do know I don't want to feel that way anymore. I deserve a partner who is totally crazy about me and does everything he can to ensure that he is going to have me in his life- like calling, scheduling with me, making plans, the whole deal. None of this casual texty bullshit. It's really tiring and I don't really have the energy anymore. When I was in my 20s I had lots of energy to meet boys halfway and try to help them like me and make sure whatever else was taken care of... no more. I'm tired now!

So I guess I'll just be alone until that person shows up in my life. And I'll just keep working on myself and peeling away the old layers and trying to enjoy the true self I am without all that stuff. Sometimes it is lonely, but I guess it won't always be.

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