Dear Diary,

I was having a most curious dream...or maybe many curious dreams... my phone kept ringing and waking me up so that was most inconvenient.

The dream(s): I was in a big house at a party, at one point talking to M's ex-wife... he may have been there too, I'm not sure. I can't remember what she and I were talking about but at one point I felt sure that she was going to ask me why I didn't accept her friend request on FB.

At one point I was walking up a big staircase and being followed by all these little girls, they were following me in an admiring kind of way, and I just wanted some space and time to myself. I patiently explained to them that I needed to use the bathroom, and I locked myself in the bathroom. Then I went through a whole rigamorale of turning on different kinds of lights to see myself in the mirror... my eyes looked worn and sad. And I remember thinking that this house had so many windows, anybody could set cameras and spy on what people were doing.

That's when things got a little more strange. I actually was in the bathroom, uh, sitting on the facilities, when I noticed that not only was the bathroom a little like a kitchen, because one whole end seemed to have appliances just like a kitchen, including a lazy susan which had lots of baking items on it, and I remember thinking I really wanted to eat something sweet and wondering if there was any chocolate around. I noticed a bag of brown sugar, and thought if worse came to worst I could eat that.

And at some point I also noticed it was like I was outside, because the floor was actually grass and the sky was open and there was an open outdoor fireplace across and to the right of me, and I think several characters came through and warmed themselves by the fire... I remember being quite alarmed when I saw a big, fat skunk... he came in and actually said, "Oh good, I can warm myself up here," and I was trying everything I possibly could to be invisible because I did not want to alarm him and get sprayed, but did I mention that I was sitting on a hovering toilet with my panties around my ankles? And my hovering toilet kind of turned around and bumped into him, so I said, "Excuse me, monsieur," Somewhat with the belief that if you are polite and call a skunk monsieur, he will not spray you.

This seemed to work and rather than letting me go the skunk insisted I sit next to him... he was quite adamant about it and sure enough, sitting next to him I managed to finish my business and take a pee (sorry to be explicit, but, this was the dream!). And then another little animal came up and this one was more like LambChop and seemed to be my friend. And then at some point I guess I woke up.

After waking I did get up and was moving around a bit when suddenly pieces of the dream came back and I really couldn't remember if I'd seen M in the dream or not... if he is in a dream and I can't remember the parts I am usually pretty upset because I feel like it's my chance to see him, like somebody who died... but for the life of me I cannot recall although I seem to think that in the dream I had the knowledge that he and his ex-wife were speaking again (not necessarily back together, but it doesn't matter because it made me jealous anyway that he could be a "friend" to her and not to me after I treated him so much better than she did, albeit for a shorter amount of time).

As for meaning, no idea. The concept of needing my own space has been coming up... Howard would come over here every night if I let him... it is really hard to have people in my space that often and once we are done with work Howard wants to hang out and often goes poking in my fridge for food... he actually has a full-time job and if anything has more of an ability to feed me rather than me feeding him.

As for looking in the mirror, that could be taken as me examining myself and seeing something about myself... I don't know about the rest... bizarre. Just looked up skunk and it is about protection, and maybe even driving people away. I wondering if it is symbolic of my own defenses (not to sound Freudian or anything) against letting go (needing to pee?).

Anyhow... that's how it's going.

Yesterday was indeed a pitiful day as I woke up late, but had a few errands to do. So I got dressed without showering or even washing my hair... I went to the phone store to pay my bill because, once again, I didn't get a bill in the mail... I've also, for some reason, stopped getting my internet bill in the mail, and I don't know why. Is someone stealing my mail? I never choose paperless billing because I simply do not want to pay bills online- call it un-green, but I do not have enough responsibility with my credit card to be charging bills on it. Also, I don't want all my banking/credit information on several different websites, I just don't.

I did that and then picked up a few things at the library. I had called Bethany earlier and she called me back, and asked me what I was doing. Turned out we were both feeling shitty yesterday and she was really stuck as far as doing some work on an outline. We decided to go out and discuss it over lunch. She brought her notebook, and I helped her write out what she needed to write. Then we went back to her place and she dictated while I typed it all up. She said it helped her a lot and I was happy to do it, because I've been in that place before and sometimes it helps if you just have somebody who will push you through it.

Afterward we watched one of the movies I picked up at the library. I had specifically been looking for happy type movies and even chose several kids' movies, plus what was described as 'romantic comedy.' Well romantic comedy turned out to be a movie called "P.S. I Love You" about a couple in love and then the guy DIES and leaves her a bunch of letters for a year after his death... believe me this was not written on the DVD box or I probably wouldn't have gotten it. The kicker for me was that in the movie, yeah it was supposed to be funny but in actuality these women's friends were not very good at holding space for the widow because they expected her to "pull herself together" 3 weeks after her husband died, 3 months later and 6 months later and whatever, which seemed very unrealistic because it takes a long time to grieve your husband of 9 years! Then sometimes they'd be yelling at her because things were going on in their lives, like a wedding or having a baby, and they were like, "it's not all about you anymore, something's happening in my life too,".

What this brought up for me was this idea in our culture that grief is some kind of indulgence and how we are expected to "get over it and move on" -- and I could totally identify with the widow and how she was feeling and how shitty it feels when your friends don't understand how you've lost something. This is how I've felt for over a year now and I feel incredibly misunderstood and I KNOW it doesn't make sense because M did not die, but for whatever reason it feels like that and it has been devastating to my heart. And people wanted me to move on and hold space for whatever (i.e. Gail and her continuous dramas with Craig, which she takes seriously enough but didn't deem my relationship with M serious enough).

So I guess the Universe guided me to pick that DVD, perhaps to mirror what has gone on for me and to allow me to tap into my feelings about it.

Gail has called me a couple of times. I was a bit worried because she gave up her apartment and the last time I spoke to her she was talking about needing to come here and stay with me for a few days, but really I didn't want her here. I already had Howard stay the other night and Red needs to stay here tomorrow after he is officially moved out of his place. Houseguests wear me out and especially those like Gail, who don't live here and don't have anywhere to go and seem to want constant attention, which I cannot give. Even though it doesn't LOOK like I have a job, I actually do and I don't need to take care of another adult, as well as the sleeping factor which Gail is terrible about trying to be quiet and she ALWAYS wakes me up.

However she did leave me a message and said she was tired of couch surfing and had set herself up in a hotel (courtesy of a friend who gets a discount). So that problem seems to be alleviated and I should call her back to see how her granddaughter is doing, and talk to her before she leaves for her trip.

Should should should.

Well really today I have to work on my site- the upload feature is finally fixed. Mercury retrograde has really wreaked havoc with me this month! I've got to send out some emails and work on that. I'm not feeling my best and suspecting that these are cramps coming on. Dangit.

Luke sent me an invitation to a party he's having on Saturday night. I will mark myself down as a maybe but apparently part of the party involves a hottub and I'm not feeling confident enough for that... so I'll see if I can go later. Maybe. But especially if I have cramps I probably won't be going anywhere.

Later.

Love,
Duck

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