Dear Diary,

Last night, even though I tried to go to bed at midnight, I ran into the same problem. Duckie lie down, Duckie no sleep!

So I read a bit, and then I found myself crying again. Well, maybe it is good for me (shrugs). Gotta get all that stuff out one way or another!

So I told myself I could sleep as much as I wanted today, and I made no effort to do anything. I worked at my computer, and answered as many emails as I could, and sent out promotional emails. I actually think things might turn out okay. I feel pretty relaxed, for being so broke and stuff. I mean, really.

I made some phone calls, and some arrangements, and I went to the grocery store, and bought some steaks. But I didn't cook them yet. My breakfast was good, but the rest of the day was not. I have to get back on my good eating plan.... I was doing okay, really, but then B and his girlfriend encouraged me to have dessert. I had just a few bites and immediately got a headache. So I know, I am better off without sugar, and sadly, without chocolate. :(

And, apparently, once I eat one bite, it is all downhill from there. So I will just have to try again.

I have been reading a book about forgiveness, and realizing that everybody does the very best they can do in any moment. I was thinking of my issues with Gail, and about how she treated me when M and I separated, and how angry I have been at her. It felt like part of my anger melted away, but I'm not sure. I called her today with the intention of bringing it up. She is still in her place of mourning about Craig. All I managed to say was, this is how I was feeling when M and I separated, and I stopped talking about it because I felt like no one understood me- now I feel like you may understand me. She said, yes, now I understand. And in a way she sounded so broken hearted, that I believed her in that moment. I don't know if I'm still angry or not. All I know is that I lost my nerve when I wanted to tell her that I have been angry at her. What's so hard about that? What's so difficult about me owning my anger?

I could kick myself, but that would just be more of the same- internalizing my anger, swallowing it down and letting it fester... well that's not such a good idea.

So, let's move forward on everything, shall we?

(Sigh).

I also talked to Irinia, which is always cause for a slight irritation. But I felt like I held my ground a bit with her- her voicemail was full, so I sent her an email about what I would and would not do... that felt good. It would feel even better if I didn't always feel like I had to explain myself. Guess I'll work on that too.

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