Dear Diary,

Well life continued after I wrote that entry yesterday, but not a very exciting life. For whatever reason I have a really hard time getting going on Mondays. I work Monday nights now but I also work weekends a lot, so maybe Mondays are like my Sundays...

Bethany always wants me to come to a dance class she teaches on Mondays. In truth I don't always feel like it. It's okay but I am friggin' tired, and the way she teaches the class requires quite a bit of interaction with the other students, and really, by Monday I am tired of interacting with people. I have emailed, managed, coddled and listened all week and weekend, and by Monday I don't want to be anybody's friend.

I suppose I should let Bethany know that this is my resistance about coming to her class... she doesn't have many students and I often feel her pulling on me because she wants someone in the room. Believe me, I have done it to her as well... when I am doing a presentation I have cajoled my friends into filling up some spaces for me. That is an every-once-in-awhile type of thing. But as I told her, you can't expect your friends to be your students, and attend regularly and pay you. That's just too much pressure and expectation and it's not the reason to start a class at all. Personally I think she just needs to find some student-students, who are new and not her friends and happy to pay her. I do however admire her because she has been renting the room and having the class steadily for months, even when no one comes (she will dance by herself) or even when it's only been one or two people attending at a time.

At any rate, I didn't go because I felt like I just couldn't get myself together. I am tired, want to lie around in my pajamas and try to do my own work and sometimes water my plants. I was still slightly upset about what happened with Smitten on the phone Sunday night. I actually called Gail to talk about it. Of course I had to let her talk up a storm first, but then she did listen to my description about what happened at the party and on the phone the next day. She heard my fears I have about being duped again and just being in another situation where I abandon myself- and she assured me that I have been doing so much work, it won't be the same.

That is a common fear of mine. That nothing will change.

Gail can also be very intuitive and she said she felt more like the situation was that Smitten was distracted by this big job he had mentioned to me. So I think it will be best for me to just acknowledge the proportion of this job (it could launch a whole new career for him) and just let him know I am supportive but if he does have time I would love to see him. I even wrote an email last night to that effect but have not sent it as of yet... it's in my draft folder waiting for the perfect time to be sent!

Eventually I did get myself together and went to work. Afterward I went to Bethany's but she was busy talking to her brother on the phone and folding laundry. I ate a bowl of cereal and read half a book and then went home... started a novel in Bethany's elevator and by the time I got to my front door I was on page 100. I like to read.

That was that. Have been staying up too late and not getting enough quality stuff done. Last night I was reading a lot of my own entries around the time that M and I separated- beginning in late October of 2007- and I guess I did a pretty good job, considering. I really tried my best and have been working hard on changing my life. I think I have more self-confidence than I used to.

Tonight I'm going to that party with Albert. I will go prepared with some business cards and everything. Albert has never invited me to a party before, so I hope it doesn't turn out to be some kind of cult event where people try to convert me.

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