Dear Diary,

Here I am again- trying to be better about updating. I'm supposed to meet Shelby in about an hour. I have to say that I've forgotten all the upkeep one has to endure when one has a lover. I had to think about my underwear- put on something nice. I was so busy this week, and just too exhausted to fit in one more thing, so I didn't get a wax. But ultimately, I think men are happy just happy to be near one, so that shouldn't be a problem, should it?

I did, however, manage to get my eyebrows done, and believe me it was desperately needed. So at least that was handled. I'm trying not to stress about the fact that I only slept one hour at home and dozed poorly on the plane- I feel like you can always see the tiredness in my eyes. But I figure that Shelby has already seen me tired and fat, and is still excited about seeing me anyway... I'm pretty sure I've lost some weight and someone told me yesterday that I look more rested- shocking.

Oh well. I can't really stress about how a married man feels about me. I can only do the best I can do. It's interesting because I saw B the other night and he asked me how I was feeling about my love life and was I actively searching for somebody etc. But the truth is that ever since I gave up on Smitten, I haven't put much effort or worry into finding somebody. I've just been too concerned with managing my business and trying to make ends meet. And, as you know I am very crafty, I have my ways and I found out that Smitten says the exact same things, sends the exact same photos to other women telling them he wishes he was with them etc. He is just full of shit. And my problem is that sometimes I get it into my head that a relationship is fated to be because there is a spark or we have so much in common etc. But smart people know that a spark doesn't necessarily make a great relationship, sometimes it's just a spark. It only took me about a million years to learn that one.

I still need to feel some joy in my own life... I'm at the point where if people ask what makes me happy I have to think really hard. Work is something that makes me feel fulfilled, but I need something more than that. Maybe this thing with Shelby will at least move something around in me, make me feel sexy and passionate again.

We can hope.

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