#2

Dear Diary,

Just had a long conversation with Ex, over an hour. Catching up...

He sounds like he's doing well overall. Living with his sister and her family, in her house. I know he wants to sound cooler than a guy who lives in his sister's basement- but I have admiration for him, because he knows where he needs to be. He knows that if he stayed in our hometown, or anywhere else, he'd be using again. He knows he has his vices and he knows what a slippery slope he can get on. So he's keeping himself straight and sober, with a job, and staying close to what feels most comforting. For that I am proud of him. And I told him so. I told him that I am proud of him everytime he starts over, I am proud of him for not giving up.

He's been dating some chick for about 6 months, and ironically she lives pretty close to me! So every now and again he rolls into town- I told him to come visit.

We covered it all- his shit, my shit... and I mean real shit. He talked about the last time he was doing really bad, and had to leave town because he thought he'd do something horrible... how he cleaned up, but he's still got massive amounts of anger in his system from the past and all the fucked up shit that happened. We caught up on all his brothers and sisters.

We talked about "why" I don't have a boyfriend- I just told him about my abandonment crap and M and what happened there and how I was shattered and realized my own responsibility for creating that and I wanted to change. I told him about Shelby, Serena, and all the good in my life.

So that was that.

Today I woke up at Bethany's about 1pm, feeling exhausted still. Went home but stopped at two banks to attempt to take care of some things before my big trip. Paid on my credit card, put some money into checking. It's still rather depressing, however, to get home and realize the APR on my credit card has gone up and I didn't pay ENOUGH... it's a tad ridiculous and scary at the same time.... but I tell myself it will be okay. I am just trying to cover for two months right now (two months rent, phone & internet, etc.), and that of course is going to make me feel like it's drained all my money... but really I am covered and I am going to be making a good amount of money, so everything will be okay. I just have to relax.

Gail on the phone now talking my ear off about her drama... gotta go.

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