Dear Diary,

On my way to work (pt job) just because I have to be... no other work coming my way at this time, bills to pay- I am behind on some checks I should have sent long ago. And I finally got myself together to call about that yoga retreat. Of course there was one more bed open for a female- it's mine. I knew it was there, on some level, I was just resisting the whole process. Now that brings up the whole concept that I need money asap so I said, "Well, got to go to work."

See what I mean is... it just feels like I am SUPPOSED to go to this retreat. But the money thing? Stressful. Seems like everyone has bailed for the summer. I am waiting for clients to call me, but who knows what they are doing. So now I'm headed to my least favorite place to try to scrape together something.

It doesn't help that I chose not to go to work yesterday. I had intended to but woke up too late. I still could have gone but it felt like a lot to do- the commute to that job takes a long time, and I had promised to meet Marva in the afternoon. Plus I had things to do- I worked on packaging up gifts (something for Stacey's kid's birthday, and a package for Thomas and Gia) and getting cards and a couple of checks out, went to the post office. Met Marva and that's where it all goes downhill. Hanging out with Marva usually involves shopping, and lots of it. She buys tons of stuff all the time- not always expensive stuff, but those little amounts add up. The whole point of us getting together in the first place was to go to the jewelry craft store so I could use her tax ID number if I wanted to get something- without the need to also spend the required $70. Anyway I spent 45, and then we went to this cheap market where you can haggle but I ended up buying a $10 dress that I'm not sure I like enough, and a $10 shirt which I needed, because I needed a new white shirt. But the rest of my purchases... um not that important. I don't know what happens to me, it's almost as if I go into an altered state while shopping and end up making these crazy purchases. Well you know, $20 doesn't seem like a lot but I try to be frugal when I can. Marva is even worse than me, and you know we don't even know how she makes any money anyway. Bethany once told me her theory is that Marva got a big settlement from an accident she once had and that's where her money comes from. That makes sense to a point but, how big could that settlement possibly be? Her parents are both from a very poor country and I have never heard any kind of story where her family had a successful business or somebody struck it rich somehow. It just doesn't seem like Marva supports herself, so it's a mystery. You might say, well if she is your friend you should just ask her. I have. Marva is very slippery and doesn't answer questions directly. You might also say it's really none of my business, which is also true.

I just wonder about this a lot because Marva is such a secretive person, while at the same time wanting to know every scrap of everybody else...!

After hanging out with Marva I headed downtown to meet Emily for dinner. I thought Pansy was coming too but I guess she is having more bf drama. I am kind of over hearing about her personal affairs since they are all basically the same, but Emily seemed especially upset about the fact that Pansy was sacrificing her own happiness to be with some guy. So upset, as a matter of fact, that it was pretty impossible to change the subject for almost 30 minutes. All I could think was, gee Emily, see anything familiar? Because in one breath she is slamming Pansy for her choice in men and the next it is practically the same story about her bf Mr. G.

WHAT-ever. Tired of it all. The place we ate was expensive and overall I easily spent $100 yesterday. Oh well oh well! I do my best, as you know! Emily would have paid the whole thing but I just don't like feeling beholden to her in that way all the time, so I put $40 in for dinner. And that's the story of my money.

So I signed up for the yoga retreat. It didn't cost
me a thing to change my flight since I had booked it less than 24 hours ago. I'm really
excited about it! Now to just come up with the
hundreds of dollars required to do it! But I
suppose if I put my nose to the grindstone I can
make it work even with my crappy pt paycheck
and nothing else! In any case I haven't really
ever gifted myself in such a way so all of that is
exciting. Even if it means I was at work for 7
hours doing pretty much nothing.

I begged off going out with the girls (Emily, Steffy, Babytalk) tonight instead choosing to work and get those hours in, and try to get home and get to bed at a decent hour. Feel like I have to reset my whole system due to the fact that I have been bingeing all week and staying up too late for no good reason. I went to the grocery store even though I feel a bit destitute right now and used my credit card because I HAVE to get myself together and part of that involves having good food in the house, eating real meals instead of packages of candy and cans of frosting.

I'm just saying.

Love,
Duck

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