Dear Diary,

Still trudging along, not feeling so great. Past couple of days has been like someone sitting on my chest. It's a lot of effort to breathe, to move, to walk.

I went to physical therapy again today in the hopes that maybe it would help. It did help a little. We actually talked quite a bit, and I ended up telling her the whole story about Tim and Pam. We talked about fear and protecting that part of me that feels young and afraid when someone is mad at me. Overall it was a good session because I felt like I found some support and a different way of viewing things, and an acknowledgement of the fact that I am doing things differently. I haven't known Tim that long at all but I get the sense that he might be a little bit like Alphie if you got in a disagreement with him. Alphie had a really hard time admitting that he was responsible for anything that went "wrong" in a relationship. He would defend his viewpoint and however he perceived the situation to the death, as if admitting he made a mistake or did something less than perfect would kill him. I get the feeling that Tim would be similar. At any rate, I don't feel like making myself vulnerable to those kinds of arrows being flung around. I know how I felt after those exchanges with Alphie- I felt like less than nothing, like I had been obliterated. I had to peel myself off the sidewalk. At least now I feel like I have the sense to protect myself, and put measures in place before I even think about having "a talk". So physical therapist was very helpful with this concept and also tracking feelings in my young life of getting in trouble for doing something wrong when I had no previous knowledge of what the rules are.

Good stuff.

Afterward I went to dinner with Steffy and Emily. Steffy has been kind of depressed dealing with the loss of one of her dogs, renovations at her house, and unsuccessful attempts at pregnancy. Emily announced her decision to quit her job, move abroad and get her civil ceremony (she kept saying she is happy but she really doesn't look that happy). I announced that I've decided to leave my job. We had good food and awesome desserts. I was ready to go home at 7:30pm, as my lungs felt tired again. I have a lot of work this weekend- just booked a private client and have a couple presentations. Looks like I'll be able to pay rent after all! So exciting.

And bedtime it is.

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