Dear Diary,

I don't know why but I am feeling kind of overwhelmed and shitty at the moment. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

I'm here at pt job and of course, I don't feel like digging around for stuff for the audit (though I have to and I better get my ass in gear or it will come up on me all of a sudden like the last time...). I don't feel like doing anything I'm supposed to be doing. There hasn't been any money coming in for the past couple of weeks, so that makes things very slow too. For everybody.

I didn't go to the gym today. Instead Bethany and I were going to the movies. However when we got there, she informed me that the internet gave her the wrong time, and we had missed the film by 15 minutes. This is the second time this has happened to us. The movie theater people insisted that they do not have a website and somebody has been giving out false information (??). That seems kind of crazy to me, why anyone would purposefully create a false website announcing movie times, but okay. Bethany was pretty upset and she was trying to argue with the customer service people, explaining her whole journey of how she went online and copied down the movie times and blah blah blah. I love Bethany but she has a bad habit of not getting to the point, ever. I bluntly asked, "Will you give us the matinee price for the next movie?" because we had missed the matinee. Customer service person said no, so I picked up my purse and said to Bethany, "Let's go then," I didn't feel like standing there arguing whether or not a website actually existed.

We went to lunch instead, which was okay, but I have been feeling a bit annoyed. I don't know why. I haven't been sleeping well in the mornings- my sleep has been kind of disturbed with bad dreams as of late. I woke up before 8am this morning and just decided to get up rather than try to sleep some more. I have a client coming tomorrow so I had some cleaning to do anyway.

And now I am feeling kind of shitty. That's the best way to put it.

I weighed myself yesterday at the gym and I haven't lost an ounce. Although I do feel like some subtle things are happening bodywise, maybe some tightening up? Not really sure if it's evident to anyone else, but I went to the gym three days this week and I was definitely feeling it. Especially today, because I didn't go. Maybe I needed the rest. GymMan said I have to work on breaking more of a sweat on the elliptical and the rower and he doesn't seem to think that it is unrealistic that I can lose 20 pounds. Well okay then. When I met Alphie I was at my lowest adult weight in a while, which is about 20 pounds less than what I weight now. I lost all that weight by working out regularly, after Frank and I broke up. I have gained pretty regularly since then and right now I am close to what I was when M and I were together- I was always a bit overweight when I was with him. That is at least better than what I was before Christmas (about 5 pounds heavier than I am now, and when I look at pictures I am just- ugh... is that a double chin?). I just calculated my BMI on a website and basically I have to lose at least 15 pounds to even be considered normal weight for my height. So, maybe I am not being unrealistic at all. Above everything I would just like to be healthy.

In any case I'm feeling good about my dedication to the gym at this moment and like there might be a chance for me to get back in shape. That would definitely help me to feel better about myself.

Progress with major housecleaning has been slow, although I did mail a box of stuff to my sister Delia yesterday, and a baby outfit (that I bought for Gail's granddaughter and never gave to her- her granddaughter is 2 now) to my brother Kevin for his new(ish) baby. I also threw out a broken chair with the garbage collection last night. I suppose it is just a matter of a little at a time. I still look at that corner of the room and feel pretty overwhelmed and like I don't know where to start, so I am taking baby steps, baby steps. Also, I have a costume from when I used to study with Molly. I really found Molly too pushy and with too many expectations, so I have been avoiding her for years. I just wrote her an email with a lame mention that I have one of her costumes and I'd like to give it back to her. I need to tie up all the loose ends in my life, so I can have a new life.

I haven't mentioned this but a guy from my exercise class on Monday and Tuesday nights asked me out to coffee a couple weeks ago. I declined because I had to get up early the next day. He said, next week? But the following week I missed one day due to cramps then I had to go back to work for the audit after class. Well apparently he never forgot because he wanted to go after class on Monday. We did look for a place but everything was closed, meaning we walked around for a half hour looking in windows of places. I finally just told him I had to go home. He said, what about tomorrow so I said okay... so we met before class and he bought me a tea. All we really did was talk about class and the people in it. But I could barely look at him because I felt like suddenly everything about him changed and he had this kind of starry-eyed quality about him when he was looking at me... it made me very uncomfortable. I don't actually find him very attractive. He is not my usual type. He shaves his head, is a little bit heavyset and is kind of a geek, all that is fine but overall I just don't feel... anything. I read somewhere that women should date lots of guys even if we are not totally attracted to them, but I am concerned that he will just try to take things to the next level, like kissing or something, and I don't feel even slightly inclined to do that. At least with the guy I went to lunch with a couple weeks ago- I was finding him not my type but slightly attractive.

This guy- I just don't feel it. He is nice, but kind of talks too much and I can see him kind of being the kind of guy who gives his heart away too soon and gets hurt. After we had our drinks we went to class and really didn't interact much there. Then at the end of the night he was trying to get my phone number, but there was a lot going on- a lot of people milling around and talking etc, and I just pretended not to hear him. I know I didn't handle it well, and I guess I should talk to him on Monday and let him know that I don't necessarily feel comfortable dating someone from exercise class (I also had the distinct feeling like he had probably told one of the other guys that he was taking me out- a little too much build up, a whole lot of pressure for me).

Through all of this I just realize that I don't even really know myself that well anymore. It's been so long since I've been in an actual relationship, and when I was, I was a completely different person, with all my abandonment issues out front and more like a little kid than a grown up. Now, four and a half years later, I am just different. I think I have healed a lot of my "love addiction" stuff. At the same time, I don't know what it feels like to have a healthy attraction to someone. I know a lot of times feeling an "immediate zing" or very strong charge just means that I am in for a lot of drama and old wounds being stirred up. I suppose I should recognize if my heart feels something. But my heart hasn't really been feeling much of anything lately. And I didn't feel anything on Tuesday. So... I guess I'll just wait until I do feel something.

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