Dear Diary,

More stress. I was leaving the gym when I saw a text from Gail: "Call me Alphie talked to Marie." When I called her back she informed me that, as I feared, Alphie told Ben and Marie the embellished version of things I said about Ben's training (Ben has a habit of getting intimately involved with his clients and lives in continuous drama).

That in itself is pretty bad. The things I told Petra and Michael were true to my experience. Four women had either approached or called me with their stories of Ben's inappropriate behavior. I don't even tell clients about it anyway. I just told Petra.

What really hurts is apparently, according to Marie, who heard it from Alphie, who says that Petra and Michael said that I was in a bad mood about it all and as a result was "hard to be with" during my visit with them.

Huh?

Whatever Alphie heard (or thinks he heard) was one short conversation between Petra and I, which I guess at one point she passed on to Michael. I don't recall waxing about Alphie or Ben for the whole of my vacation. A lot of what went on was me comforting Petra about all the problems she and Michael have in their relationship. If anything, Michael was in a foul mood from the time I got there and was a pill until the night before I left. So if Petra or Michael did say that, I would find that pretty hurtful.

I guess if Marie or Ben wanted to call me they could, and I could honestly say, yes, I hesitate sending any of my clients to you because you sleep with them. That is true. But all this other stuff that was in Alphie's email? Not true. Ultimately, they can't really do anything to me... want to cut me off? I guess you could stop referring me if you wanted. It doesn't matter because for years I have felt very torn about being connected to you anyway. However, I guess it still really bothers me, because I felt really terrible today. I think a lot of my old feelings of resentment, hurt, anger and grief from my dealings with Alphie and Ben have come up.

After the gym I went to return my modem from the company I get wifi from. My wifi bill has been ridiculous for years and i have thought many times about changing companies. They just raised my bill another SEVEN DOLLARS... ridiculous! I switched to another company and will be saving forty dollars a month. I went to pt
job, did about three things, then went to a dance
class. But I felt kind of bad, heavy and my
stomach hurt. I felt like I just couldn't get a
handle on it so I left a half hour early. I thought I maybe would have gone to exercise class, but I just wanted to go home. I did stop at the health food store and buy some food- why? Probably because I was so upset and food is one of the only ways I can think of to soothe myself. I stopped to see Jim but he was very busy. I came home and did some anger release and had a big cry. Then I ate my dinner and watched a movie (since I don't have Internet right now and won't have it till tomorrow). It definitely felt good to get some emotion out of my body, and I guess I should keep doing it. Right now I am focusing on the home stretch here, which is to make enough money to be able to leave here. To get out of town and maybe even have some new kind of career. Nobody really knows this so maybe that's why Alphie thinks I would care if he refered someone to me or not.

Bedtime.

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