Dear Diary,

I am waddling to the gym even though I really don't feel like going. I have binged and eaten way too much sugar this week so maybe that accounts for my bloated feeling. I have a roll of flab on my stomach that I can hold in my hand, and only a few pairs of my pants actually fit. It's discouraging.

I'm also considering going to pt job just because I don't have any other work right now. I'm feeling pretty stuck and overwhelmed workwise, I realize I am here a lot and it's a drag. I'm not really sure how to get unstuck.

LATER- interesting development... I was in the middle of leg class when I started to think/feel about when I was a kid and I was molested by my friend's grandfather. Maybe because we have been doing a lot of inner thigh stretch? And somehow I just ended up crying. There's something that happens when I think about being younger and the Before and After. And I feel like something got stolen from me because I was never the same. I lost confidence or some kind of connection to myself and it affected my whole life, how I thought about myself and my self worth. I feel so angry and resentful and sad because one person tainted my whole experience of life and it's not fair. And probably I didn't have very good self esteem to start with but that didn't help. I have a pretty regular feeling of just being a fuckup but I realize I didn't fail me, an adult failed me. So I was just crying and doing my leg lifts, trying to forgive myself. I just told GymMan that I had allergies and it was making my eyes water.

I went to the library and then just came home. It was sunny but not really warm enough to spend long periods of time outside. I read my book and decided to lie in my bed and read some more. I felt a little tired and closed my eyes and fell asleep with the book in my hands and the light on, which I never do. I woke up at 8pm feeling fuzzy. I guess I needed to dream. It took me a long time to feel more awake. It occurred to me that maybe this is why I was bingeing the past few days. I texted Delia about what happened but got no response from her- maybe she is overwhelmed. Callie called and I talked to her for awhile.

Also Shelby called me back and I spoke to him for a bit. I guess he and his wife are moving next door to Thomas and Gia. Which sounds like a great deal of fun, too bad they don't seem to be my friends anymore! I was actually thinking of calling Gia because I haven't heard from her in over a month, and I was wondering if she still wanted me to do the women's retreat with her. But the way I was feeling today- I figured it was not a good time to call. But at about 9pm I got an email that she sent to both Shelly and myself detailing the excursion. I feel like that is kind of lame, and that she continues to avoid me, why I don't know. I really don't know what happened but I suppose it is for the best.

Love, Duck

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