Dear Diary,

Last weekend, went to the get-together with the young people from the lake... was really good. I'm glad I went, despite all the traveling. Took a bus to meet up with a guy named Ariel, we used his car to drive down together. I really could empathize with him because he transferred to a new school and is having a hard time there... I had the same experience. He also recently had a break-up with a girl that he still cares about, but she blows him off and doesn't respond... I can resonate with that too.

The weekend: G was there, the girls I love, Henry, and others... mostly we played games. Apples to Apples, and Taboo, we laughed a ton, and went hiking in the woods, in the hot tub; the girls let me do their makeup... Ariel and I left earlier than the others on Sunday. We had a really good talk on the way home, I told him about The Really Bad Thing that happened at the lake, and he told me some personal stuff... it was pretty intense and I think my heart was so open, I forgot my backpack (which I had actually borrowed from my dad) in his car. Now my dad and I have to stop by and pick it up on Friday on my way back to the city to work. I was so upset that I forgot it and expected my dad to be pissed, but he was unusually okay about it. Weird!

I also found out that day that a friend's mom died, she was only 63. One of my best friends from high school and we also traveled through Spain together... kind of shocking.

So far this week I have been going through a box of letters I found in the attic. Letters from X from almost 13 years ago, when she was first pregnant with her son and complaining about work all the time, but simultaneously being completely supportive of me; letters from my abusive ex Derek (the letters were "nice" but did not reflect his true controlling and manipulative nature; letters from my college bf after him, whom I guessed really loved me... I always kind of remember him as critical and uptight, but he wrote me a bunch and always said he loved me and wanted to be with me. I'm not sure what happened, I know we had talked about getting married but when push came to shove he didn't want to buy me the kind of ring I wanted (it was about $400 but he wanted me to have a plain band similar to his mother's), and he didn't want to move out of his mother's apartment to get a home with me... that I know for sure. And I was in my 20s and always frustrated with him feeling like he wasn't communicative enough, I wanted him to write and call me all the time, when maybe I was just unrealistic about men at that point. I shredded all those... even X's... a lot of them were so much about work, and I figure I'll just be friends with her forever.

One note that I believe to be from my bf when I was 19 that I really was into; it said he had "lost feeling" for me- it is painful to read even now, I know why I hurt so much when I was 19. There was really no good explanation, just that he got "so into me" and then had to pull away, and was finding other people attractive now, but "not in a relationship-wanting way." I remember I had later seen him holding hands at a concert with a girl I went to high school with, and immediately got a bloody nose. Threw that one away.

Letters from Ramel. Ramel and I had a little love affair way back when. He was married at 21 for 11 months, and she cheated on him and broke his heart. I had just been dumped by the guy I mentioned above so was trying to recover from that. Ramel and I spent a lot of time together, and during the summer between 1st and 2nd year we would write letters, and then still hang out on weekends... he asked me to move to the city with him, but I was too scared. And then he was marrying that crazy needy nonstop talking know-it-all woman, and I felt incredibly sad and in love with him. I can't even bring myself to read his letters right now (what does that mean?) but I saved a bunch. Maybe I'll get to them. Which reminds me, I tried to call him on his birthday, but he's moved and apparently doesn't have the same phone number, so I'll have to track him somehow... I can't even find an email address for him.

Letters from Shana, which I threw away. I guess that relationship will never get fixed. Letters from random people- several... thanking me for my letters, gifts, photos, thoughts, support, etc. So I used to write a LOT of letters. Obviously not everybody stuck (they probably stopped writing ME, since I don't think I could ever ignore a letter). Letters from people I met when traveling in Europe, going to college, etc.

Letters from my mom to me when I was in college... I read them aloud to her and we just both laughed and laughed. There was one which must have been a response to me confronting her about some of the stuff she did when I was little. It was interesting because she told me a lot about my grandmother's history (of having a terrible childhood) and hers (the hard parts) and that she did the best she could and she was trying to do what the doctors told her (even though it traumatized me). But it made me realize that she did do her best AND she has apologized... it's not like she pretends I didn't have a hard time or that things didn't happen. So, I dunno, made me feel like maybe I had another piece that is giving me the ability to shut that book.

I need to sleep!

[previous] [next]