"Another aspect which contributes to ambivalence regarding commitment is the unresolved grief from previous attachments carried into new relationships."

Just read that this morning and thought of M. I'm pretty sure I was "over" whomever I last dated, but maybe not over some of the hurt and pain from my family life. In any case, we know he was a catalyst for a lot of change in my life.

I'm having trouble getting started today. I have a lot on my to-do list, but kind of slow going right now. I get like this sometimes when I have a lot to do.... I kind of just... stop. I will get everything done, but at the same time I don't want to be stressed!

I read "A Complaint Free World" yesterday, which is a book somebody gave me years ago. I never read it and when I moved I found it under my wardrobe. Well yesterday I just picked it up and read the whole thing. I have known for a long time that I need to stop complaining. It was especially clear with the issue of Alphie. I swear when I was talking to Petra about my situation with him, I felt something poking me... I now realize it was "somebody" trying to give me the sign to shut up... well I didn't shut up and I ignored the signs that that was not a safe container to be sharing/venting in and look what happened. Things got very twisted and out of proportion and I haven't even been able to handle them. Now if I ever feel that poke I know to shut up immediately, but I have never felt it that strongly ever again.

My complaining is just my anger leaking out. I have so much anger, and I just need to go outside and hit an old tire with a stick, rather than complaining about it. That is the bottom line.

The rule of the book is no gossip or complaining out loud. Everything you think is free, though, and since this diary is really my thoughts, I consider that to lie in that realm. But otherwise I have to keep my mouth shut in human company about what I think.

I forgot to mention that Steffy had her baby, a beautiful little girl and she is very happy. She is taking 6 months maternity (I doubt she will ever go back) and she had her mom stay with her for over a month to help out. I am really happy for her, I did not expect her to ever end up with Matt. And something I can think here, but vow never to tell anyone in the human world, is that yes she got the guy, but as I get to know Matt more and more I wonder if the love they share is even. Sometimes I wonder why Matt chose Steffy- but not because of Steffy- she is feminine and radiant and beautiful and all my guy friends have a crush on her. But more like I do not know if Matt actually has sensitivity and consideration and feelings. He might be more of one of those "I love what you do for me" type of people. I don't know him completely, but in some of his dealings with Steffy I can find him to be rather selfish. I worry about her quite often, actually, and have a strong desire to protect her.

And all this also brings up the fact that at this point in my life I will probably not be getting pregnant and having kids. I don't know if that has completely hit me yet. It just seems too late and even if I tried I don't know if my body could handle it. I suppose that might be something I need to grieve down the road.

Love,
Duck

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