beginning [ 2003-12-23, 3:35 p.m. ]

Here I am.

Kinda pumped up, because I got 10 hours of sleep last night... that's very unusual for me. I almost feel like I'm on some pumped-up drug. But no, it's just sleep!

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going on here at work. I wish they'd just give us this whole week off, it's so useless to be here. It's all a matter of coming in to sit and do nothing for 8 hours.

Mostly what I am looking forward to during the Christmas vacation is just the time off to do nothing... forget about presents, family, etc... I am so burnt out.

Oh. I'll fill you in. I used to work two jobs... this one and another part-time job. Only the second one got a little crazy, and I had a very abusive boss. I finally got up enough energy and nerve to quit... and now I'm kinda poor. Good thing diaryland is free!

I want to be seen, for me, for who I really am. That's one thing I realized at that job. I read this book on controlling abusive people, and it pointed out that abusive people are always defining you from the outside... that's what it felt like to me, that my boss was always telling me what I thought, what I knew or didn't know... and after I talked to her (or rather, listened to her define me) I felt obliterated inside. I finally figured out how could this be right? It's been exhausting... for a couple of years now. Most people would look and say, why did you stay? You should have left so long ago. But of course nothing is ever so simple. This job is connected with my field of interest and the people within it, etc... so unless I give up my whole personality or move to another city, I kinda have to think about whether or not I want to burn my bridges.

But it seems the opportunity to let people know that I want to be seen for me is a running theme in my life.

Diaries are built one page at a time...

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