Okay, I am lazy... well not really... just caught up in holiday crap and whatever. Then I get here to my blank page and I don't even know what to write!

Am feeling horrible because I am a snoop. Going through extreme bouts of suspiciousness with my boyfriend, I feel like he doesn't tell me everything (damn him!) ha ha... you know what I mean... I feel like he's LYING. That's what I mean.

Anyway, I snooped, here's what I found out: he met a woman. He thinks she's amazing and like, a piece of him that he's missing. The weird part is, it's not sexual. So what do I do with that? I'm wondering if that would be considered emotional adultery. I mean, I suppose it could be sexual and then... um... then I'd have a real reason to get mad? But really, when I think about it, I am always afraid that my partner will choose to be more intimate emotionally with someone than physically... that's what really makes me nervous. He tells her that he's not sure about us, that sometimes he doesn't feel much passion for me, like we are brother and sister. What?! We have sex on a pretty regular basis, so this is what I mean... he's not telling me his thoughts, yet continuing to tell me he loves me, have sex with me, etc... so is he lying? ew. It's kind of creepy and depressing. Needless to say, I am not snooping anymore. It's too much of a mindfuck... what good is it doing me, I thought we were good and happy and ta-da! Now I know too much.

I guess I have magical thinking, because I keep believing that there is something I can do, or say, and then his heart will bust right open and he will be more passionate etc. and all will be right... but maybe I am just fooling myself, like it should be that way right away... or maybe I am fooling myself the other way, because no relationship is like that.

And the really sad part is, I found this story I was writing when I was about 15 years old, and it's all about relationship drama and does he like me, why does this guy like me and not this guy, etc, er... and here I am, ten years later still talking about the same shit, wanting my relationship to define me? I don't know... but let's be honest... I'm too afraid to go anywhere else. I really feel like I love him, and want to make it work (whatever that means) and have such a poor sense of myself that I can't tell if I am compromising/sacrificing too much of myself... as in, not being myself, for him. I ask myself, what would I do if I didn't have him? I guess I think about travel... but it's not like I have any money for that sort of thing. So I can't really tell if something about him is holding me back.

Maybe I can figure out some way to blame this on society. Such as, society gives me the message that I must be everything, but above all beautiful and attractive. It also helps if I am smart, business-minded and rich, but if I'm not thin and white, I am invisible.

Or maybe Dad didn't love me enough.

Regardless, here I sit, feeling 15 again.

Ciao

Duck

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