emotional glop [ 2004-01-01, 4:19 p.m. ]

Wishing for something wise and witty to say, but knowing that this is just the day after yesterday, and not really anymore of a fresh start than I could choose in any moment.

The closest thing I have to any sort of resolution, is that I think I have to write more this year. So this diary is a good thing.

Last night was okay, went out with Frank, and we went dancing, and here is where I realized that I am totally projecting my own fears of abandonment, etc., onto our relationship. We were dancing and he wasn't looking at me for like ten minutes. I became so upset, felt like I was dancing by myself, and wanted to walk right off the dance floor. I created all these stories in my head about what was going on... he was somewhere else, not connecting with me, etc... so finally I yelled a little about it and he told me he was trying to concentrate and count the rhythm, and feeling very inadequate and offbeat.

Oh.

Whoops.

Grr... so, the real issue here is that I am insecure, just like everyone else on the planet. And hoping that yet not another person will look right through me and break my heart. Yeah, I know, the self-help books will say I've got to see myself first. I'm trying to do that.

Sorry to burden you with all this emotional glop. But it's there.

Today, will chill and just revel in the opportunity to do nothing, just be. I feel like braces have been lifted off my brains, and now they are expanding. Something is shifting from not having to work so much.

I think I will start painting again.

Love to you,

Duck

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