Believe it or not, yesterday I was too sick to even turn on the computer. I spent the day sleeping, mostly, and then would try to get up and accomplish something, but would get real tired again and would have to lie down. Like having the flu, but I don't have the flu.

Today I feel okay, I suppose, though I still could have slept more (?!) That's kind of scary. I'm wondering what's going on, maybe it's the season, post-holiday letdown, a little invisible bug, or some process of the psyche that I'm going through. I think I need about 10 hours of sleep, which means I'll have to get to bed by 10pm every night. I'll try...

Ugh. I so have to get some sort of real career going here. I feel like such a loser... and so broke, and feel bad, because Frank ends up treating me to a lot of stuff, and driving me around, etc. I feel like my financial/career situation (or lack thereof) is a drain on him, and maybe that's why he's been so lackluster in our relationship... like maybe I'm not a full woman in the relationship... although, I have to say, it's very hard to hold all the feminine stuff in the relationship AND the masculine aspect of earning a decent amount of money... for instance it's not so easy to make money in this society just by being creative, because art and creativity are not so much valued by this culture. But creativity is an aspect of the feminine, and it's hard to get paid for it. So, the message of the culture is that to be a a full woman I have to embody both-- make money, support myself in the hard financial world, yet be soft and supple and beautiful and creative and open and flowing. Bah!

(I don't think I've ever said the word "Bah" before!) At any rate it's probably harder to feel good about myself, also, with no meaningful work for myself... so I end up obsessing about my relationship and feeling unworthy in life in general.

Well, CF, my former evil boss-lady, owes me quite a bit of money, but I'm not sure I'll get it. She has a habit of cheating people out of money and cutting corners on paying people every chance she gets. I'm just hoping I'll get most of it, because I'm a little behind.

This is just me complaining again.

Love,

Duck

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