Had a terrible time sleeping last night. Doesn't make sense; I sleep well one night, and not at all the next. Can't tell what is really going on, but since my jaw feels screwed up tighter than a spring, I suppose there's something I'm not saying.

Well I am mad at everyone: mad at my friend Anna, for not having the guts to tell me that she's been hanging out with Frank's ex-girlfriend (not the actual fact that she is friends with the ex; but the fact that she has been lying and omitting info to cover it up--just makes me feel lied to and...icky); mad at my friend Kelly, who has a habit of giving me unsolicited advice; mad at my friend Leo, who somehow doesn't end up paying his full share when we go out to dinner; mad at Frank, for being so wishy-washy and overly enmeshed with his family; and mad at CF, of course, my ex-boss, for 2+ years of shitty behavior. Of course I don't say anything to any of these people about my anger because it seems: either too late, too complicated, too nitpicky, too abstract, too confrontational or too dangerous.

The weird part about this was, I'm lying awake at night, jaw aching, and thinking I'm angry and who I'm angry at to make my jaw ache so much, and suddenly start thinking about the possibility that I might have cancer, you know, if I ever do get the guts up enough to go back to the doctor, and find out I am just riddled with the stuff-- the first thing I think about is that I would find a girl and give Frank that three-way he wants-- why? Because I just want to give him that experience, because I love him. The jealousy and fear would be gone, and I would delight in seeing him be so happy. As soon as I thought of that, it's like my heart opened up, my jaw and whole body relaxed. What does that say? I carried the fantasy further. I wouldn't tell anyone and pull the suffering victim thing. I would squeeze every last drop out of life and enjoy every minute. I would give, give, give from my heart and value so much more what was given to me.

Why can't I do that now? Live like that now, not put up with what I don't want, embrace what I do, at the same time realizing everything is fleeting and should be enjoyed in this moment...

I realized that I have more magical thinking.... although I don't feel that I fear death, I feel as if I don't believe I will die (maybe that's why I don't fear it! hah!) Well actually I am more afraid of getting old and feeble and slowly declining than, say, dying in a fiery car crash. But there's a part of me that just doesn't believe I will get OLD. I guess that's it. While that does wonders for my energy and my looks, at the same time it may make me hold onto everything just a little too tightly... when I thought about dying, that's when I let go, and let love move through my heart. Now I know what those Buddhists were talking about.

Maybe there is a way, though, the Chinese especially seem to have a hold on this... to retain the young spirit but still be able to release and let things flow.

I remember this short story I read once, I think it was by Ray Bradbury, about a boy that just never aged. He had to move from town to town every few years, because it would become evident that he was not getting any older and the townspeople would begin to get suspicious. In a way it was a sad story, because he could obviously never stay too long with any one family. But I'm also thinking, eventually, he would see all material things on earth as just what they are-- just stuff-- and have no particular attachment to things... on the negative side I suppose he would be afraid to make any attachments to people as well.

Ah, the double bind.

But, the true spiritual evolution of that is... if he could have an open heart, and let the people and love move through it, with the knowledge that it is only temporary... yet enjoy each encounter for what it is... and then move on to the next encounter... he might still feel sadness and grieve the loss of the old, but his heart would be open to the new.

Funny, this is such cliche, I mean, I've read these ideas in many places before, but it's like something is really clicking in my brain about it. About letting go. Opening up. Maybe this means that something inside me is ready to do that.

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