This entry is post-therapy, basically meaning I am cried out and a little softer than before. I swear sometimes I think I should be in the nuthouse. I have so many feelings and emotions, there's no such thing as, "How did you feel today?" It's more like: "What part of the day are you talking about?" I go through about 5 moods a day, minimum, on a good day!

So, the basic theme in my life is as mentioned before, not being seen or heard, but I guess I am afraid to really say what I want, because I am used to being the only one who tells the truth, and that sometimes scares people away. Really. It does.

Also I realized that I want to be in partnership with someone who expresses his needs... not someone who doesn't pretend he doesn't have any. That game is getting a little old with Frank. Here's how it goes: he pretends he doesn't need or want anything, and by this I mean he doesn't even have any emotional needs. He never says, "I miss you" or gives any indication that he would care if I stay or go. But I don't believe him, I prefer to think that he is just afraid to tell me the truth. But then I doubt myself. Maybe he really doesn't care. Can you see why I felt the need to snoop? The man doesn't tell me anything!

Alright. Maybe, as I said before, I am just fooling myself, I am emotionally overindulgent, and if I knew what was good for me I'd go somewhere else. But diaryland seems to be full of 30-something women who not only cannot get enough sex, but feel unfulfilled and unseen in their relationships. It's an epidemic!

I was supposed to see a friend of mine that I used to work with in the law office (no, not Bill), but he seems to be blowing me off. Mmm. Now I have to go do some work for CF. I know! I told you I quit, but the bitch will not give me my money until all her imaginary "projects" are finished. I saw imaginary because she is so controlling, as soon as I quit she created 80 things that needed to be done, and won't pay me until they are finished. It's insane, but I am broke, I have been eating one meal a day, usually either peanut butter sandwiches or tuna fish...which may be another reason why I am flaking all over the place.

The good news is that I spoke with a friend of a friend who is trying to get a bunch of artists together to produce a cool website, and she wants me to contribute. That means I will have a reason to start creating again, there is possibility of people seeing my work, etc.

Not much else. Classes start tomorrow. Then I will be busier, less mopey, and hopefully whine less.

By the way, all of my friends seem to be going crazy (in their early 30s). Two of them especially: Stacey and Kelly. They are both going baby-crazy. All Stacey talks about is getting married so she can have a baby. No one, including her, even likes her fiance that much. He's cheap and not very affectionate. But she's got her eye on the prize = baby. I told her, Stace, this doesn't seem like such a good idea, if you want a baby, just have one yourself... why get married? And if you do have THIS guy's baby, you are going to be connected to him for the rest of your life... he'll be the father and he won't just go away! She doesn't seem to think about stuff like that-- she has this blase attitude that if it doesn't work out she can just grab the baby and leave. Not to mention this girl doesn't know anything about babies... she's never lived in one place longer than 9 months, and I don't think she has the concept of how much children will ground you.

Kelly is the other one, but she's just focused on the wedding day. All she wants is that ring. She and her boyfriend fight all the time, and after 8 years, she badgers him about why he's not proposing... in public even, in front of her friends. I don't get it so much. For one thing, her relationship is not so great, but she thinks if she gets that ring something magical will happen, everything will be transformed and the problems will be fixed. Like someone will come and sprinkle fairy dust on her relationship. But I don't think she's as crazy as Stacey.

So what would they say about me? Certainly I am not perfect. They'd say, Duck? Well her guy's nice enough, but he's so afraid of intimacy, why does she stay with him? He's too wounded and doesn't seem to want to commit at all---they're moving way too slow-- can't she see that he'll never change?

(That's my guess. It's probably a lot worse, what they would say.) Actually I'm not minding the slow part so much. I used to feel like something had to happen right away, like we had to move in together or something, but then I realized I was not ready to do that and neither was he. I'm glad we waited that first year out... it's amazing to me that a lot of couples don't. Here's another thing that might blow your mind: we waited almost 6 months to sleep together. (Can you believe it? In this day and age). Most people think that's pretty crazy. I've always taken it slow like that with guys. Because I have a lot of trust issues with men. I hate to feel used. So I was never able to do "one night stands" or "casual sex"-- I tried but just felt too used. And Frank had always slept with, moved in with women right away and nothing good had come of it. So now this whole relationship is all about taking it slow. The bad part is I got some severely damaged goods. I don't mean that as bad as it sounds... I just mean Frank has a LOT of baggage and I pay for it all the time. If he even THINKS I am doing what one of his old girlfriends used to do, he gets all triggered and closes up. That's what I'm talking about. The man has the sweetest soul but he is so so afraid.

I guess I haven't said much good about him since I started this diary. So I will do that now. Ahem, okay let me think of something (I'm kidding!)

Frank is very sensitive, he really comes from his heart. People like him right away because it's like they can identify with him. He has a great deal of patience and empathy. He has an incredible amount of integrity, especially around women. By this I mean he doesn't have a misogynist bone in his body. He writes amazing poetry. He loves nature. He has this little-boy energy sometimes that I love, very playful and energetic. He's a hard worker, and does his best to keep his word. He is EXTREMELY generous, not cheap at all, and likes to try new things. He has an absolutely gorgeous body and a face that turns women's heads, but he is very humble about it. He will admit when he's wrong and apologize (not till the day after, but I say this with a smile-- I grew up in a family where no one ever apologized about anything!). He likes things to be a certain way, but does his best to be easygoing in most situations. He is faithful, and he loves me.

(I'm pretty sure).

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