the magic wand [ 2004-01-08, 10:01 a.m. ]

Thought I could find some pattern to the sleeping thing, but apparently that's not the way it goes. I assumed it was insomnia, one night on, one night off. But wouldn't you know I couldn't get to sleep last night either?

Mostly I feel like an emotionally indulgent fool... is this what happens when you don't have to hunt for your own food?

Didn't do much besides work, and read a whole book yesterday. I read a whole other book the day before that. Yes, I am a fast, obsessive reader. If I pick up a book, it's very hard for me to put it down. It's one of the reasons I don't buy books... on the average they only take me 2-3 hours to read. And if they suck, I just wasted my money. So I'm a library whore. Nothing like walking out with a huge stack of books in my arms, looking all studious, I suppose... one time I stopped at this deli to buy lunch and the guy behind the counter said to me, "Wow, you must have a lot of time on your hands," and then he asked me out. Must not have believed that I could juggle all those books and a man in my life!

Speaking of which, after reading a whole slew of diaries written by 30-something women, I'm wondering if there's even enough sex out there for us. Every 30-something woman I know (or read about) seems to be obsessed with sex (with the exception of my friend Anna, who is from the South and is a little frigid). I should know, I am one of them. I don't know if there is even ENOUGH sex out there for us, so it's a good thing we're all so comfortable about masturbation in this day and age.

And it's amazing the ways you can discover to masturbate. It doesn't stop when you are 7, and learn that something magical can happen when you rub yourself up and down on one of your stuffed animals. Why, I just read about a woman who figured out that masturbation with a cool shampoo bottle in a hot bath is the best thing ever! Just two weeks ago, I bought my own helpful, inconspicuous masturbation tool... you know those little shower-hose things you can attach to your tub faucet (you use them when you just want to wash your hair, etc.). Well, that's like a magic wand. It's your own personal pussy shower-- you can control the pressure of the water by how close or far away you hold it to your body, also experiment with the temperature. The orgasms are amazing, because it's like you're being touched by magic, liquid fingers. Run out and buy yourself one today! I swear I was getting turned on just looking at them in the bathroom hardware aisle of the department store.

I was just kind of nasty to Frank on the phone, and now I'm feeling bad about that. I guess I get so upset because I'm the emotional one in the relationship, so we're always talking about how I feel, but getting him to talk about how he feels is like pulling teeth. Sometimes it feels like being with a wooden man. So, I wasn't nasty meaning bitchy, I was nasty in that I just wouldn't talk about my feelings. He kept asking me how I was, and why did I sound like that? But I was trying to pull the Frank thing, and just say what he says, "I feel fine. No, I'm fine." I suppose my secret hope is that if I'm not holding the emotional department, he'll have to. But you know it's hard because of course I have all these feelings and I'm going to burst.

It's the same thing with sex. I want sex all the time, so I'm always suggesting, flirting and making innuendos with him about it. Yes, men say they want that (in their fantasies) but I don't think they really do. The big masculine trait is pursuit, and the big human trait is you really want something that doesn't want you. So I know, if I'd just stop asking for sex or pretend I wasn't really interested, he'd take more initiative around the sex thing... however, my body will not let me chill out and be that blase. (I'm in that age range, remember). All my resistance is a sham. Sometimes I go over saying to myself: do not ask for sex. do not ask for sex. Then all he has to do is touch me or give me the least bit of physical attention, and I'm all over it.

I think the masculine likes things simple, and the feminine is NOT simple. That's why the masculine likes the feminine in the first place! If he really liked things simple, he'd be more attracted to the masculine than the feminine. The problem is that women try to be what men want-- simple-- and find that men don't like us anyway. They don't want us when we're too available. We try to hold our feelings in, and find out that he left us for some raving lunatic. How many men have told us that seeing a woman angry turns them on... to a degree... a woman who is angry all the time becomes the bitch and the nag. The truth is men get just as sick of us as we get of them... all our asking, neediness, nagging, emotional flip-flops... just like we get tired of their lack of emotion, distractibility, and adolescent behavior. Yet we keep going back to each other. Why do you think that is?

Ah Venus! Oh Mars!

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