Didn't realize that I did the marathon entry earlier today... jeez louise... sorry folks.

I did accomplish some things: went to the bank (the other one that WILL cash my check), and had a lot of work here to do.

I don't know how I got caught on that story about Derek... oh yeah... patterns... but that was a few years ago. I have a theory about relationships. It's like a ladder. You move up one rung at a time. For instance, Derek was just about the worst boyfriend I ever had. The guy after that was a little better, not really abusive like that, but he was pretty much emotionally unavailable. And the guy after him was a little bit better, and so on. I think we are fed these fairy tales of people in abusive relationships, that they just need to be rescued, and bam! their next boyfriend (or girlfriend) is going to be perfect and the relationship will be super-healthy. I think that's a myth... in my experience, and what I've seen, I think you go by degrees... so you move up a little each time (if you are becoming more conscious and working on yourself-- I guess this wouldn't happen for everybody, like you could be going down the ladder), as you are growing and dating you learn more and more of what you DON'T want, which helps you learn what you DO want.

So. Obviously, the lessons never end, cause something was going on with CF in my life. Frank is something different too. He is not critical or abusive of me at all. He is a very good person. He just seems so scared, like I said, and sometimes that feels very lonely for me.

So I look at myself and wonder what is it about me that makes me choose men who really are afraid of getting close. I guess because I am afraid of getting close, even though I tell a different story. I can't figure out how to unravel that story though and find out what I am so afraid of and how I can change it.

I did speak up and say something though, about how I felt the relationship was imbalanced. I told Frank I don't want the focus to always be on me and my feelings and emotions. I want to know how he feels.

I think he felt like he was being criticized, so I had to tell him that's not what I was saying (he often thinks he's doing everything wrong). I said, "I'm inviting you. I'm letting you know that there's space here for you to do that. I want to know how you feel." I don't know if that really sunk in, but couldn't hurt.

Take it easy,

Duck

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