the evidence [ 2004-01-13, 4:33 p.m. ]

Deeply disappointed yesterday as I typed my whole big entry and it vanished into cyberspace, never to be seen again. Felt too jaded and discouraged to try again.

Today, however, I am filled with new hope. I got my pictures developed yesterday. I love to watch people get their pictures from the photo shop. Not to look at their pictures, but to watch their faces as they look at each photo. Smiles as they remember the event or person who is the subject of the photo. It's like spying on someone's life, just watching their expressions. Kind of like watching reunions and departures in airports.

I didn't update over the weekend, but not much was going on. Classes started again so that was good-- some girls from class and I went out to eat. Now that I am detached from CF, I want to live the normal life. This is how narcissistic CF is: she told me, "Those girls are only your friends because you work for me." Like I don't have the capacity to make friends on my own. CF must believe everyone is as shallow as she is.

Saw Frank on Sunday. It was actually a pretty good day. We told each other a lot of little things throughout the day; they just came out. Things like, "When you say this or do that, it makes me feel like this," it was a subtle, gentle sort of intimacy between the two of us. We both shared. Then later in the day we were lying together and he told me how he doesn't always feel so passionate about me, how he feels protective and loving of me like my brother, but not like a lover should feel about a lover. I asked was it because I was struggling so much with finding a career and maybe he didn't see me as a woman? He didn't really know, but said he wasn't necessarily turned on or attracted to other women either. So it's not like he's found someone else.

I said, I don't know, you used to be very passionate. But Frank seems to think it's been this way from the beginning. To prove it to him, I got out old poems and cards that he's written me throughout our relationship. One card was really beautiful and touching, about how he felt I was the first person to really see who he was as a person.

Frank looked at all his writings and said, "It's like these were written by another man." Sadly, I agreed, but I was afraid to do so out loud. Because I was afraid we'd have to have the inevitable conversation about what to do next.

Then he said, "My heart hurts realizing this. When did it change? Why?" I couldn't help him pinpoint the time. It felt like we had had a rough summer, but there was no definite date. Kind of like it just happened over time.

He mentioned perhaps he should go into therapy. He's mentioned that before, but maybe now he'll be convinced by the evidence. I felt kind of validated, like, it's not my imagination, he has changed. And I was glad he didn't get all defensive about it... it actually hurt him that he didn't feel close to me. I felt so blessed that he is who he is.

But I could see that he was going into a deep spiral about "doing it wrong" or "not giving enough". The man is very hard on himself. I didn't want our Sunday to end like that. We talked about other things but the mood was rather somber. Finally, out of the blue, I asked, "Would you like to watch me masturbate with my vibrator?"

He was quite surprised, to say the least. We are very open sexually but I've never really done that for him before, especially since he bought me that new fancy vibrator for my birthday. He admitted he would like to see it. So I lit a bunch of candles, stripped down and positioned myself so he had a good view. It wasn't long before he attacked my nipples with his mouth and fingers, was kissing me passionately, and was "helping" to operate the machinery while I had him in my mouth. I think he liked the fact that I begged him to let me have him too. He tried to tease me some more but of course it wasn't long before he complied and gave in to my demands...

The sex felt... I dunno, close. Maybe we were more open from having shared all those little intimacies. That something had changed from naming the imbalance in the relationship. I can't say it's fixed everything, but I know what I feel, and it feels a little different.

There is a theory that to touch a woman's sexual energy, you must first touch her heart;

But to touch a man's heart, you must first touch his sexual energy.

A woman's heart can be opened by words and actions, and a man's heart needs to be opened by desire and aliveness.

While we were making love, Frank kissed me with a passion I hadn't felt from him in a long time. He was back.

He felt it too. It totally shattered the image of himself as being non-passionate. He said, "Maybe you just have to seduce me more."

Go Duck!

If you have any seduction ideas, let me know.

Love,

D

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