wandering eye [ 2004-01-28, 9:39 a.m. ]

There is a strange phenomenon happening in my life. A few men that I have shared some kind of attraction with are reappearing/reconnecting with me.

For example, the ex, out of the blue. Normally I wouldn't consider that unusual at all, since our friendship has always been the sort where I might not hear from him for six months, a year... one time it was a period of two years. But combine that with these others:

Sam, a guy that first appeared very available, then told me he was taking a break from dating, then immediately began dating one of my friends (did he think I wouldn't find out?!), then broke up with her and several months later, called me up expecting to date (must have had me "on the back burner"). Of course by this time I was with Frank, so forget it. I did agree to have dinner with him "as friends". And the whole time he was very negative about Frank, having never even met him. Now over a year later Sam writes me an email asking if I'm still with Frank and would I like to do something...

And Mike, a guy I met at a party a couple of years ago, informed me he was part of a performance group and invited me to come and see him sometime. I was attracted to him before I even knew what he did, I went to his performance and loved it. Afterward we went out, he seemed very interested, kissed me and told me he would call me soon. And never called. Ever. Since I had his email, I wrote him that it was okay if he changed his mind, but I would like it if he would just let me know. He wrote back some mundane thing, so it was clear that any budding romance was over. I continued going to see his performance group, often bringing friends, because I just like their stuff. Mike of course was there but I didn't try to speak to him or make him uncomfortable in any way. Then this week I emailed the group to ask about tickets. Mike is the one that emailed me back, took the reservation for my tickets, and told me I should stop backstage and say hi after the show. I thought that was weird, since he seemed so freaked out before. But last night I went to the show, and did indeed stop to say hi. I was surprised, because we stood there and talked for about 15 minutes. Every once in a while during a lull in the conversation, I would think, "Okay, he's just being nice, and making amends, but he's really uncomfortable and he's going to go talk to someone else." And just then Mike would pick a new topic and continue the conversation. Confusion ensued. I'm thinking, does this guy still... like? me? Weird.

And, here's the really confusing part for me: I still get quite a charge from Mike. I still find him very attractive. I was kind of excited by the idea that he might be interested in me again. I actually felt a little nervous, shakey. Why is this happening?

Could be a few things. Familiarity breeds contempt. I know a lot about Frank. The whole struggle of intimacy with him feels exhausting at times. Frank himself seems very negative about many things these days. Mike: In the 15 minutes we spoke, here's a man that's excited, alive, and paying a lot of attention to me (in that particular moment). So, that all feels very nice.

Last night, I couldn't stop thinking about him (a welcome break from continuous sexual fantasies about the ex). I realized I wasn't being realistic. I tried to imagine breaking up with Frank, how much my life would change. Having Mike in my life. A different personality entirely. No guarantees, even, that my fantasy would be truth. Not a stable, grounding force like my Frank, but rather a struggling performer-- my life would change not only emotionally, because who knows what kind of intimacy Mike is capable of, but also financially, physically... I tried to imagine Mike coming into my apartment, kissing me, making himself at home. Us arguing. Us making up. Us going to the grocery store. Us figuring out what to do for the holidays.

Then I fell asleep, thank god.

Maybe this is happening because Frank and I are preparing to move into a new stage of intimacy, and that is pretty scary. It doesn't make sense, now that Frank is getting more attentive, making more effort to get close to me, that I would.... oh... or does it, Duck?

Um, yeah, so maybe I'm scared. But not even on a conscious level.

Shit.

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