Last night I had a dream that another man sent me roses, they were beautiful. Then Frank and I were sitting, eating at a picnic table, and the other man showed up. I felt a little embarrassed, and excused myself, and went to talk to this other guy. I was trying to determine, and asked him, had I done something to encourage him? Because I was obviously with Frank. When I returned to the picnic table Frank was gone. I realized that maybe Frank was upset because I hadn't introduced him to the other man, I had just walked off to talk to him. I really didn't know where he was and was unable to find him. Then I woke up.

I had about three dreams after that, because everytime I hit the snooze button, I have another dream. One of the others was that I had a miscarriage.

So, what do you think, diary? What's going on with me?

Sometimes I do have the belief that when I dream a lot, a rapid succession of desperate, crazy dreams, my brain is just trying to process shit. So this is probably about the whole intimacy situation. The miscarriage... I don't know... something that didn't work?

I've kind of given up on something with Frank (notice I said 'kind of') and that's him calling me on Wednesday nights. We speak whenever, during the week, when we can. But there's something about Wednesdays, maybe because it's the middle of the week, when I feel so low, and I guess I need that connection. So I've asked him specifically to call me on Wednesdays before he goes out or does whatever (he usually goes out with his friends). I even told him, I don't know why, it's important to me. So he was calling me pretty regularly on Wednesdays, however usually I had to remind him, because he would forget on a pretty regular basis as well. For the last five weeks Frank has not called me at all on Wednesdays. Each time I feel hurt. When I ask him about it, he says my phone doesn't work. Which doesn't make sense, since other people call me the same night and my phone works just fine. The last couple of weeks he's said, "Okay, I'll try to call you tonight." The way he says TRY-- that give it all away. He's not been calling me at all. What is so hard about it? Guys say they will TRY to call you when they are trying to give you the impression that their life/schedule is so busy, they might not be able to do it. This is the same thing Mike said to me over email, "I'll try to call you sometime this week," that's when I knew the call was never coming. And here is my own boyfriend giving me this line. I know his schedule. It's not like he's got a lot of babies and old women to pull out of burning buildings on Wednesday nights.

See. I told you this was stupid. It's a little thing, right? A little, insignificant thing. I admitted that to him in the beginning, and, I added, "but it's important to me." He could tell me, "I just don't want to do it, it makes me feel trapped," or whatever he might feel, instead of making up all these excuses. I guess that's what really drives me crazy. That there's some kind of dishonesty going on that hurts more (I think) than if he just told me the truth.

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