subtle shift [ 2004-02-03, 3:00 p.m. ]

Rather than writing a letter of complaint, I decided to just call the place. Only to discover the person I need to talk to (manager) won't be there until Monday. So I'll have to sit on it a while.

I got off on a tangent as usual. Not all boundary issues are that severe with me. Sometimes it's the littlest thing, like saying no. I have a hard time with that.

Last night, I went to my friend Molly's for dinner. Molly and I used to work together on a few projects, but I found it best to separate from her last autumn. Even though she is a basically caring, nurturing person, she's a little pushy about getting her needs met over everyone else's. Mine, in this case. She's not a very good listener, but her view of herself is that of an incredible listener, so of course she doesn't listen when you tell her she's not listening. It's a very interesting dynamic.

Molly had a tendency to make decisions for me, and tell me (or other people) what I would do. She tried to get me involved with projects I couldn't possibly have time for, and when I insisted I couldn't do them, she would fight me to the end with 100 ways I could make it happen. She even tried to make me miss work at my other job to work for less money for her. She expected me to buy things from her because she said I needed them. All of this was under a guise of a very loving, motherly person, and caused me quite a bit of frustration.

It took me so long to separate from Molly because she has an absolutely adorable daughter named Erin, and Erin and I just fell in love with each other before she hit age 3. This girl just has an incredible spirit, imagination, and loving heart. We would really delight in each other, telling stories, singing songs, snuggling. She didn't consider me a grown-up, but just a taller version of herself.

Finally I was able to just tell Molly, it wasn't working for me. The revenue I was earning with her was not making up for time, effort and travel (she lives quite a distance from me). It was quite a relief, because after distancing myself from her I could feel how draining our relationship had been to me. I spoke with her on the phone a few times, and things seemed much easier. So when she invited me to dinner I accepted, mostly because I wanted to see Erin, who is six now. Molly also mentioned that she could use my collaboration on a one-day project and she would pay me $100 for it.

My time with Erin last night was great. I brought her a few colors of sparkly nail polish, because I know she is wild about sparkles and also always interested in what color my toenails are. She had a friend over, also age 6, and we played UNO together. The two of them were in their pajamas and so cute. The only bad part of the game was Molly would occasionally come and stand over the children and tell them which cards to put down or what move to make next. I wished she would lay off-- we're playing UNO, not Vegas high-roller poker here. Part of the fun of playing with kids is watching them figure it out themselves.

Afterward I hung out with Molly a little bit and talked about the work she wanted me to do. She said, "Well, I don't know about paying you $100, but I think I could pay you $50." I don't know what she thought she was doing. In the past I may have been happy with $50, but lately, especially after working with CF, I have really started to see how travel, preparation and all the extras that go into a job have to be considered in the price. I told her well, that's too bad then, but I was only really considering it for that price. Otherwise it really wasn't worth my while, factoring in all I would have to do.

Molly tried to convince me with a story that her costs had gone up, and she had to pay another person that she wasn't expecting, etc. etc. But her guilt trip wasn't working. I just wasn't interested. She offered me $65, and I put on my coat. Finally she said, "How about $75?" Okay. I would do it for $75. And I would also be very wary the next time Molly quoted me a price over the phone and got me all the way to her house.

The interesting part about all of this is like I said before, in the past I would have caved into Molly's pushiness and her guilt trip. But this time I didn't feel all those feelings, that much pressure. I was just really aware of what was not enough for me. $75 is a pretty good rate, $100 would have been better, but at least this was on my terms. I was able to make the decision.

It feels like a change, albeit a subtle shift in energy.

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