Not much time to update today, or yesterday, as you may have noticed.

Tonight the big showdown with CF. Supposed to get cash for my bounced check, which I, for obvious reasons, am not eager to try and re-deposit. I really don't trust CF any more than I can throw her, as they say.

This agreement only came about after a litany of insults from CF, about how suddenly, I am irresponsible, undependable, and a bad person in general. How I didn't learn anything from her (all I learned is that I don't want to be like her, or treat people the way she does, but I didn't really have time to mention that). Whatever. I can never defend myself in these "conversations" because she either keeps talking/yelling right over me, or if I do counterattack one point, she just grows another head and picks a fight about some other thing she's just made up.

So all the tough decisions have been made for me. She had originally asked me to freelance on a project over the next three months, but made it clear yesterday that she is giving that work to someone else. Punishing me for bothering her, it seems. I know what it's all about. She's still angry that I left. She's hired 3-4 people since I've gone and they've all flopped. I was her right-hand woman, never undependable or irresponsible as she's accusing now. Everytime one of those other applicants fails, she is stuck again and has to work harder, and her anger comes back around to me.

I know I shouldn't work with her or for her at all, but I still had some fear about cutting it off completely. But it's happening, what appears to be her decision. It's kind of a relief not to have anything to do with her. She's toxic through and through.

I look at the pattern, how my mom was equally destructive to me as well. In my head I am so knowledgeable that I need to do this, that, get away from these kinds of people. But it's like some small part of me still has this amazing attraction to these maniacs. It's been familiar for me to work and live with narcissistic maniacs. The change is happening but slowly.

I think I can finally have a life. I think I can finally have myself.

Thanks for reading.

Love,

Duck

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