Sitting here at work, the phone must have rung and I didn't hear it. Or maybe my ringer is off. I don't know. Suddenly I just had a voice message, a strange one, from Frank:

"Hi Duck, this is Frank. It's 11:27. I'll be going off break in about 15 minutes. So... call me if you can. Thanks."

I know, it sounds like a totally normal message to you, but if you know the intricacies of a relationship, the language is all wrong. Frank telling me this is Frank, like I wouldn't know his voice. Him using my name instead of a nickname. Him saying "Thanks" instead of "I love you", or "Hope you're having a good day," -- the word "Thanks" almost implying that there is a purpose to calling back, to talk about something. Well, that's just a guess. But these are not good signs. I've been in enough relationships to know, that the language is one of the first things to go.

I have no control. There is nothing I can do, and that is the most frustrating part. I can't even beat myself up and regret doing something terribly wrong. I am helpless.

I want to be supportive, I want to love beyond my own needs. Do I really love this man? Then I could support him by letting him go. But an underlying stubbornness that I just don't want to. I want it to work. Maybe if we just gave it some time, his therapy, my compassion.

I want to be strong, to change myself in the best possible way, maybe so I can know for sure it's not my fault. Maybe to give every ounce of energy to know that I've tried. I can't be lazy. I can't be content. Because that would be too painful.

For some reason, I've started lifting handweights. Just in the last two days. I have no delusions that having firmer triceps is going to change anyone's mind, but it seems like something to do. Maybe because, I need to like something about myself, or else I will hate everything about myself. How can I like myself in the face of someone I have spent so much time with, shared so much with, not liking me? It's a project.

I want to be devastated, weeping and wailing on the cold tile floor. I want to be strong and ultra-loving, understanding, giving space and support. I want to be available, I want to pull away and be untouchable. I want to look devastated, pale, drawn, dark circles under the eyes and underfed. I want to look radiant and gorgeous, with red lipstick, to feed the hope. I have to do SOMETHING. Don't I?

But there's nothing, nothing I can do. In my hypervigilant, manipulative mind, I am trying to figure out how to play this.

The option of just being myself-- hurt, confused, sometimes angry-- is not very appealing, because it feels so helpless.

I'm not really all that good at true helplessness. I say true helplessness because there's that, and then there's manipulative helplessness, where you are just pretending to be helpless but really it's because you want someone to rescue you. This is true helplessness I'm talking about here. Because I love someone and I love having him love me. I guess that's the real bitch here. I can love him, I can let him go and still love him and hope for good things for him. But I love him loving ME. Yes, as selfish as that sounds. And I would hate not having that in my life.

Period.

Yeah, and things aren't/weren't perfect. I've done plenty of dishing here about what's NOT right in the relationship. But there is so much that feels right. Life is yin and yang like that, but this is something that could be a whole. And maybe, when you realize a person can frustrate the shit out of you and you can still love them, that's something.

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