Saw CF this weekend. She is the most ridiculous person on the planet. Came up to me and PATTED ME ON THE HEAD, and proceeded to talk to me like nothing ever happened- that she never insulted me, my integrity, my entire person.

Well, I guess I'm not really surprised by her, but by myself. That I don't feel the need to play this game with her anymore. I ignored her for the entire weekend, refused to make eye contact with her. I could see her trying, and I know it was driving her crazy. She's so used to everyone FAWNING all over her, and that's the kind of attention she thrives on. I've never been that way with her but I think there's definitely been an aspect about me that's like a little kid trying to make her happy. At all costs I would just try to keep her from being mad at me. Now, I don't really care.

She caught up with me yesterday, and said, "I need to talk to you at the end of today. And I need to find out how you are." This is just her way on keeping meddled in everybody's business-- she has a slew of "helpers" and sycophants and she pulls them into talking about their personal lives... sometimes she seems very open and engaged and interested in hearing about your stuff, which tricks you into thinking that she cares about you. So, the next time, she asks you how you are and you begin to talk about yourself, but this time she is dismissive, short, and uninterested, leaving you feeling confused and like you've just spilt your guts out of turn. Then, the best part is that she will eventually, at some future date, use all the personal information you've given her as fodder for her criticism and evidence that you are incompetent in your own life.

Ta-da!

I don't even want to have any conversation with her about myself, superficial or no. I just have too much going on. Not that I would ever tell her about trouble I'm having with Frank anyway... she really has no respect for men, and she is ready to pick them all apart, because she only thinks of men as vehicles to getting what she wants. She creates a lot of drama with them which she calls love, makes full use of their monetary and creative resources, and then moves on to the next man.

I know, it would be so lovely if I could tell her off, but I can't, for reasons I would rather not go into. It probably wouldn't have any effect anyway because she's never quiet enough to let anyone else say anything.

At any rate, I ducked out of the conference without speaking to her.

Frank came and picked me up, we went to dinner and dancing. I don't know why, and I don't know if my perceptions were accurate, but he seemed a little more relaxed. At first, when we were at dinner, I really wasn't understanding his sense of humor. I kept thinking he was insulting me, or trying to be funny to keep us from having a serious conversation, like perhaps he was nervous. When he could see I was getting annoyed he claimed he would now be serious. Then I started to think perhaps I was blowing things out of proportion and I should lighten up.

What he did say was that he talked to his friend-- incidentally the woman who sent him the strange card-- and told her all about the trouble he was having relating to me. One of her suggestions was that perhaps he has to let go of the "ideal woman", that he is not being realistic. I guess she was trying to say that I am wonderful and I am human and that if he thinks he can hold on and find a woman that has everything he desires in a person, that he is fooling himself. Suddenly I liked this lady a whole lot better. Still don't know about that, "let's talk it over in bed," thing, but I'm guessing, maybe she's just a little nutty and that is her sense of humor. At any rate, it seems more in my favor when he talks to other women about his problems as opposed to his men friends, who all suggest "space".

The hostess at the restaurant was hugely pregnant. Frank, for some reason, asked if the baby's father was excited as she was passing by. I felt like kicking him under the table, as you never know what kind of situation the mother is in and that makes it kind of a personal question. As it turns out, the hostess didn't seem to mind to explain to us that the father had "freaked out" and disappeared since conception. That he hadn't told any of his family or friends that he had helped conceive a child. That he was totally unsupportive of her, and that she was considering taking him to court.I felt pretty uncomfortable that this woman I didn't even know was telling us all this personal information, but maybe she just needed to talk about it, because she didn't seem to mind.

After she left, I told Frank, "I think we should give her some money, you know, for the baby." He looked at me, probably thinking I meant HIS money. "How much have you got?" he said. I looked in my purse, and all I had was $20. When she passed by our table again, I asked her, "What's your name? We'll pray for you, and the baby. We want to give you a gift. Buy her something nice." I gave her the $20, and Frank matched mine with another $20. The hostess thanked us profusely, with her hand on her heart. She said, "This is--" but couldn't really finish her sentence. She had to go work, but I think we really touched her heart.

I said, "I'd have given her $100 if I had it," and Frank said, "Really?" He probably could have afforded to give her $100. I said, "Sure, it must be pretty scary, being alone and pregnant with no support from the father. Think about it!" He was just kind of looking at me strangely, and he said, "Well, maybe she'll tell her daughter that story a bunch of times while she's growing up, about a weird couple in a restaurant."

Afterward we went dancing. It was nice, and a lot of fun. Then Frank came over to my apartment, and suggested we just lie down and cuddle. He even kissed me, but not passionately. It was comfortable, but still a little confusing. At least he seemed calmer and like he wanted to be close to me... I was started to actually consider separation because I don't think I can just go on seeing him without any affection. I guess I can go without sex for a little bit while he figures his stuff out, but it's still pretty difficult. I LOVE sex.

I don't know what the turnaround with him was, and I didn't ask. I've been talking to a few girlfriends and they try to calm my fears, saying a separation may even be for my benefit, because he would miss me. I don't know. I know that I didn't see him for most of the weekend, and he seemed awfully glad to see me on Sunday.

I guess I am afraid to hope, and I certainly don't like trying to analyze every move and nuance of what's going on between us. I don't want to trick myself into believing everything is all right and back the way it was, because there's obviously still a problem. I just hope that the therapy will be beneficial for both of us.

Before you start thinking I am a really good person because of my behavior toward the hostess, I just have to tell you that I am really fucking up at my job. I don't have much to do here, but what I do have to do, I haven't been doing very well. I'm supposed to send out notices, and I just haven't been paying attention. This month it is painfully obvious and I'm afraid some people are going to be REALLY angry with me. It's undeniably my fault. Also I forgot to send a report. Oops! Now I'm just doing a bunch of stuff on the sly and covering my ass. That's one thing I'm not very good at: admitting that I've fucked up at work. I will lie and say I sent out a notice when I didn't, or make believe it was some mix-up in paperwork.

The fact is that I could totally do a good job if I would just try, but I don't. Every time something like this happens, I swear I will do better and pay attention next time, yet, here we are again. I suppose my apathy and disorganization has to do with the fact that I don't like anything or anybody here, and there's no flow to the work, so I just get caught in 8 hours of nothing and then it's time to go home. Not a good excuse at all, I know. I'm embarrassed. This job and I aren't doing anything much for each other... (well, the job IS paying my rent, so I suppose I should get on the stick). Regardless, I am totally capable so I have no excuse. I just don't try.

At any rate, I do have some good news. Getting money back from my taxes... a LOT more than I ever expected. Enough to pay for most of the training!

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