I thought the heartbreak would break... me. I thought I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, or function at all. I thought I wouldn't be able to live.

Well, I can't eat, so that's one thing. But everything takes just as much effort as the next thing-- so there's kind of an all-encompassing pain combined with a numbness, that makes me able to go to work, walk around, do whatever.

I'm trying to take care of myself, I'm just not very hungry.

Tonight's plan: avoid the shitty weather, go home, take a bath... with good salts and candles. A facial. That kind of thing. I will eat something green. Maybe a protein thing.

I don't want to fall apart. At least I've grown out of that victim role. If anything, I want to look and feel better than I ever have by May 1st...

I'm thinking of going on a 6-day yoga retreat. It's here in my city and it's night classes so I wouldn't have to miss work. I can't really afford it, but can I afford not to do it? I've always felt that any kind of therapy or body work pays for itself 10 times over because it's taking care of yourself.

I also have assignments for myself every day. Closer and closer to my goals. I finally bought my ticket for the training. So all my travel arrangements are complete. As well as little steps, one by one, for setting up my own career. And asking people for help.

But not telling too many people about the separation. It's because I can only take so much advice. I need to figure out what I want to think about it, before someone like Anna or Kelly explodes with their own feelings. I need a lot of time alone.

I did tell one of my sisters, Delia. She knows I hate to be told what to do, so she was doing her best to just listen, which I know is like torture for her. But she's been very supportive.

I don't look so good, I know that. Baggy eyes. Out of it. But, hopefully that will get better.

Maybe I'll cry some more later. Sometimes it happens. Especially if I have to talk to someone about it. I dunno. I don't know which is better. One friend insisted that I need to grieve and talk and have support. But there's part of me that likes to go inward, and feels like I do my best healing from that place. I'm not sure.

We'll see.

[previous] [next]