Well it seems as if I've put myself in a bit of a sticky situation here... this is like torture. Day 1. Day 2. Day 3. Etc. Not going by fast enough for me. Yesterday I was wishing to be put in a coma, so I could just wake up 1.5 months from now and not have to live with this day-by-day.

But yesterday my friend gave me something to chew on, via email she said...

"...the situation sucks, I wish you didn�t have to go thru it, but you do. F is important to you, sure you can bail out now and take your chances on going your own way, but then your life will be forever wondering what if I stuck it out, what if I stuck with him, what if I believed in the best instead of fearing the worst�so it is certainly more courageous at this point to stick with him, but it is also the harder route to go for right NOW because it is uncertain and risky. BUT, you might feel better in the end (no matter which way it goes in 46 days) if you stand strong and believe in yourself and in your love for him and in HIS ability to work this out�you will feel that at least you didn�t take the �easy� way out and bail on him thinking you will bail out on him before he bails on you�so that in itself may be a powerful thing for you to look at�no matter WHAT he decides to do with you, YOU will have made a decision to stick it out to the end and face it all and that will help YOU to learn and grow and be more confident in yourself. See, you can turn this into something good by not focusing it all on �oh HE has all the power, HE gets to choose, HE gets to decide��because in the end�it will be about what he decides, but it will also be about what YOU decided along the way�.to stay true to yourself and you belief and your faith in the relationship�and if that is not to be and he says, sorry, you are a fun gal, but I just am not ready for your love�then you know what, you say thank you for the times we had together and thank you for helping me learn so much about myself and thank you for the things we had�and YOUR FUCKING LOSS BUDDY because I AM a great girl and most everyone (but YOU ) knows it�no, I mean, don�t SAY that to him, but you can think it in your head and you will know that it was not YOU. And, if he should say, why Duck, I have missed you entirely too much and I want to take you home and make mad passionate love to you with my huge member�well, then. YOU also have some power because let�s face it�in 46 days from today, YOU will also be thinking and figuring out what you want in your life and whether this whole thing (and F) is right for YOU too�so yes, you DO have some power and control and ability to make decisions as well."

Obviously, you can see that we both suffer from the same Run-On Sentence Disease. But that's not the point. I don't even know if someone from outside can understand what she's saying. But it resonated with me, because I was just about to do what she said... just figure things are going to work out for the worst and a few weeks from now I will find myself dumped, dumped, dumped... I was even constructing our meeting in my head-- I could see Frank saying, "Sorry, nothing's changed," and I would say-- (insert prepared scathing dumpee speech here, where I accuse him of being a rotten human being incapable of intimacy, etc.)-- and then I would walk out, get hit by a bus, whatever.

There are two camps: the girlfriends that are sure he will come back wanting me, and the others, who basically say abandon hope. Which I'm not sure I get. Call me naive, but my whole life I thought that everything has the potential to be healed. So when my friend said she didn't think Frank would ever be capable, well, I don't know, it kind of felt a little crazy. Especially since she also insinuated that for the rest of MY life I would unconsciously attract unavailable men.

Huh? So you mean, no matter how much therapy and work that I do, you are telling me that these patterns will always be repeated? Then I don't understand the point. What's the point of trying to grow, emotionally and spiritually and otherwise, if in the end nothing changes and heals? Her attitude boggles my mind.

Especially since, we took this separation with healing and clarity in mind. Trying to figure stuff out. The least I could do is think about it in a positive way. Because either way, I'm going to be hoping. So I could be miserably hoping or really focusing positive energy on hoping. In the end, I don't know if I will be hurt any worse if the result is not what I desire. If anything, like my friend above wrote, at least I will know that I tried and gave it my all.

You read this stuff about how patients get better from prayer, there are studies on it. All that is, is positive thinking and loving energy directed at the person. I believe that stuff works- it has nothing to do with religion or any of that stuff...

Because if I'm not careful, the next month and a half can just be torture, like I said. Anybody who has been in a situation like this, or waited for some medical test results, or on any major decision that would affect the rest of their lives, knows that in some cases

NOT KNOWING IS WORSE THAN KNOWING.

And the wait can kill you.

[previous] [next]