lonely [ 2004-03-19, 4:37 p.m. ]

What more is there to say, right?

I think I'm lonely.

Something that I would never usually admit. Because I like to be alone. And rarely ever feel lonely.

Loneliness feels like some disease, a weak sissy kind of disease that no one ever wants to admit to. Something about this culture that says to be lonely is to be weak. At least to me.

It's the kind of loneliness that won't just be filled up by anyone. I'm guilty of calling people to try and fill up this space. But the space feels like where Frank used to fill. Even in my mind, you know, knowing I had something to tell him and I would call him later, well that's not there anymore. It's that kind of loneliness.

Kind of like when someone dies, and you forget. And you see something they'd really get a kick out of and you say to yourself, "oh, I've got to tell so-and-so about this." Well, that's how I feel. Something happens and I want to tell Frank and then I'm like, oh yeah, no contact. A few times this week I've picked up the phone and just started dialing his number out of habit. Or when I come back to my desk after lunch, I look for his message that isn't there. Strange how someone becomes such a part of my daily life, even though I didn't see him everyday. Strange how my life, my thoughts, entertwined around his life and habits. Looking at the clock, thinking, now Frank is at class. Now he's working. Now he's gone to the gym. Knowing his schedule that well, where it's tied to my thoughts every time I look at the clock.

So I'm still at the place where I was in the last entry, being honest about how it wasn't perfect. Maybe it would take a miracle to make Frank change. And maybe, even if he became less scared and more alive, he still wouldn't want me anyway. Yup. That's where I am.

Anyway, you should go and see this movie,

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

because it goes along with my coma theory. And how maybe that's not such a great idea.

Love,

Duck

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