This is how sad my life is: last week, on Saturday, I experienced a brief period of fear where I wasn't actually sure it WAS Saturday. I had been in such a pain-induced fog that it could have been completely possible that I lost count of my days, and I feared that I had just neglected to go to work.

It was Saturday, of course, but that's not the point.

Perhaps that's what compelled me to go dancing. I was thinking about going dancing tonight, but after a quick review of my finances ($3 which I spent on lunch), I voted nay. Unfortunately it seems to cost something to do anything.

Except, of course, the library. I've been borrowing tons and tons of movies. This is the perfect opportunity to catch up on all those movies I'd wish I'd seen... or not. Stacks of papers go unfiled on my kitchen table. Art projects go... unprojected. I'm watching movies.

Last night I watched, "Meet the Parents", even though I've seen it before... well it made me laugh out loud. My other favorite movies include "Roman Holiday" with Audrey Hepburn, and Heather Graham in "Committed." I like that movie because the character is so like me. She just doesn't want to give up on her relationship or her husband, and eventually she goes a little crazy. That's how I am. I believe in things and I put my faith in people.

Worst movies I have seen in the past few weeks include "Cecil B. Demented"-- why oh why? I couldn't even watch the whole thing. Truth be told I never really got Melanie Griffith anyway, but it's not just her. Maybe if I was a film student, I would have thought it had some merit. Also I have seen two movies with Richard Gere and I don't get him either. "Dr. T. and the Women," a story which had potential, I thought... but which eventually deteriorated into a big mess. The best part is when his daughter makes out with her bridesmaid. But the end? When he shows up to deliver the baby? I get the point, that the kid is finally a boy, but I don't think those women needed him there to deliver the baby. They made him into a hero when actually he didn't do anything but tell the woman to push. Okay, I know that wasn't supposed to be the gist of the whole movie, and everybody likes Richard Gere's hair and everything, but still. And "Autumn in New York" which was just... icky. Ickily disturbing. Winona Ryder looks like the type of person who would always have cold hands.

Anyway... what is the point. Haven't one.

My boss didn't say anything about my memo. Perhaps he will discuss it with other staff members, or go home and show it to his dog in the bath. Either way, I've planted the seed, and said in the memo that I need an answer by the 10th.

The training is quite a bit more expensive than I thought, because I didn't realize meals weren't included in the accomodations, and accomodations aren't included in the training, and of course there is travel. I did get some of my tax money back, but didn't want to use it all to pay on what I owe, since what if I have to leave my job and have a period of unemployment? So I put half on my credit card and half in the bank. The whole money situation causes me great distress. I owe both Frank and my therapist big chunks of money, as well as the credit card bill. I hate to be in debt. So I have to budget. Which might include, you know, grocery shopping, instead of eating out like a careless single person.

Hopeful and hopeless are still battling each other in the Caged Fight-to-the-Death Match in my head. One minute I am thinking it's okay and I can do it no matter what. The next I am deep in the pit of despair and have lost the will to live. Then I am okay and talking about movies and junk. I am confused and it's not always fun to be me lately.

That is all for today.

Love,

Duck

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