Oh, Diary, I am so tired. I tried tried tried to go to bed early, I really did. I feel exhausted all day long. But as soon as I try to get to the business of falling asleep, I can't.

I was lying there for 3 hours last night. I read a chapter of a book, and started getting drowsy. Turned the light off. No sleep. What the #@%&!

I know what it is. My mind starts to go on overdrive. I think too much... about the end result of this whole separation thing. I come up with endless scenarios in my head. It's not healthy, but I can't seem to stop.

I started yelling. In the dark. In my apartment. "Let me sleep!"

I know what it is. I need to cry, or scream, or something, whatever it is that's stuck between my shoulder blades. I can't seem to GET IT OUT. I feel like I need someone else to squeeze it out of me, like the way they pump water out of someone who's been drowning.

Does that make sense?

I'm doing everything I can. When I talk about it, like I mentioned before, I cry all right, but it doesn't feel too DEEP... hard to explain... it feels like surface stuff, because I cry so easily. But it feels like there's something much, much deeper that needs to come out.

It's not enough to just sit with it, because I can see how it's affecting my life. On Tuesday I ate two doughnuts and four Reeses peanut butter cups. That's right, I fell off the no-sugar wagon. It's not exactly a binge, but it's not conscious eating either. Which is a big red flag.

Finally, I took a sleeping pill. I only have three, because my friend gave me some leftovers. I didn't want to take it, because it was so late, and it seemed too late to take a sleeping pill. Also I am such a cautious person that I always think perhaps I should save such a thing for a time in the future... like, perhaps things will get WORSE, and I'll really need it.

At any rate, I took the pill and fell asleep, but it did make it difficult to get up this morning. I hit the snooze alarm over and over again, going in and out of a dream where I felt things just weren't right. They just weren't FAIR.

I'm doing my best to get to work at a reasonable hour, since I have asked for that time off, and I need to be on my best behavior. Also I was late coming in on Tuesday, and BossMan made a point of telling me to "try to keep regular office hours" (even though he leaves early every day to go to mysterious 'meetings' that I'm sure don't exist). Whatever.

So I feel incredibly exhausted, hopeless, and loserish... this feeling spreads into my career life... I don't know if I will ever be able to get myself together.

It's so easy to feel doubtful about myself when it seems my value is being judged by someone else. In reality, we all know that's not the case, but that's what it FEELS like. It's a yes or no question; does he want to be with me, yes or no? Is he willing to take the risk of relationship with me, yes or no? It doesn't make any difference how much he loves me as a friend or why he can or cannot commit, for me it is a basic yes or no question. And it is inevitable that I am going to feel like those answers say something about me. Do they? I don't know.

In an attempt to remind myself of who I am, I took a big piece of paper and hung it in my bedroom. I tried to write as many positive, descriptive words about myself as I could think of... it was hard. Here's what I came up with:

intelligent

funny

cute

big-hearted

playful

loving

sensuous

sexy

compassionate

caring

smells good

I don't really know if "smells good" is an acceptable adjective, but I was really reaching there.

Love,

Duck

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