You give reasons why you can't love me. Why we don't fit. It could be anything from the ways we are different to how far apart we live. That we have different life experiences. But love does not take into account logistics like this. Love goes beyond them. Love has nothing to do with time and space... you can love a person whether they are near or far from you, whether they are dead or alive. Love transcends how much money a person makes, what they can or cannot do. Therefore, you either do not love me, or you don't want to. That is the gist of your answer. That is really all that matters.

I don't want to hear about the gift of your friendship. I know you think it will somehow ease my pain, but I really think you are only trying to ease yours. It adds insult to the injury, so please don't tell me. If your answer is no, it's no. So you should leave. You should cut me loose.

It's not fair, you say, you have many things to say and you want to defend your position, why it is wrong to love me. Please don't. Because we could argue about such a ridiculous topic forever. You could give me reasons why you can't and I could give you reasons why you should. But love and reason are enemies, don't you know that?

Yes you should just leave. If you have things to say, things about friendship and its adoration, you can write them in a letter and I will read it when I am ready. But I don't want to hear them. I have complied with your wishes, and now I think you should comply with mine.

Yes it feels so unfair. But my heart has been broken for two months. And this is what I have learned; it's not fair, nothing is fair.

Yes you must go now. I don't want to have a nice conversation with you. Why? Because if you smile at me or we have a touching moment, I might think there is a chance that things could change. That you might be able to love me. I owe myself more than that. So I want you to go. As I said, it's just a matter of yes or no, and the answer is no. That's all I needed. I don't need any other fancy words or declarations. My heart can't hear anything else. I have to sit with the no.

You can't choose what parts of me you get to release and which parts you get to keep. I know you just wanted the relief of not having to be my lover anymore. You wish it could just be a smooth transition and that pressure that you feel can be washed away; meanwhile you want other feelings to remain. You want me to be happy to see you but feel no desire for you. You want me to remain open to you, but not crowd you with my love like you felt before.

This is your fantasy. Your answer is no; now it is my choice what parts of myself I want to share with you, not yours. I need to go and reconstruct myself without you. I am someone else now. I don't know if I want to share her with you. I can't give you access to my vulnerability just because you want it. I have my own self to consider.

I don't hate you. You had a decision to make and you made it. Now I am making mine.

[previous] [next]