hamster wheel [ 2004-04-06, 2:06 p.m. ]

Spent another restless, sleepless night... I'm not sure what happens... I think my mind just starts spinning out of control and I can't stop it. At some points I feel everything will be okay, and Frank must miss me, and he'll want to come back into relationship with me. Then at other points, I concentrate on how much is against me; his negativity, and the way that he doesn't have a very good memory-- he tends to forget the good parts, and talks like "it was ALWAYS bad between us" which of course isn't true.

I don't know what I will do if it doesn't work out, Diary, I really don't know. I can't remember feeling this much pain. There are some moments that I know I am okay, even Aleda said, "You know you can live without him, right?" Yes at times I can say that, but other times the pain is so overbearing that I really feel like I can't. I feel like I can't go on another minute, that I don't want to. It feels like my life will have lost direction in some way, I guess I was counting on a future with him.

In other news, I am still stunned by Ex's proposal. He wants to talk to me more about it, probably in person, and I have to figure out a way to let him down easy. The whole idea is ridiculous; it reminds me of my friend's four-year-old son, who told his mother, "When I grow up, I'm going to marry you, Mommy," and she said, "No, when you'll grow up, you'll find another girl to marry. I'm already married to Daddy." And her son just looked at her, confused, not understanding why he couldn't marry his mom, cause he obviously loved her so much.

That's about the extent of understanding we're talking here with the Ex. He thinks he can just decide he doesn't want to be alone, pick a woman he knows (me, the obvious choice, since he really doesn't know a lot of sane women) and say hey let's live together and make a life and it'll be great? I think he's hoping to have someone in his life, a reason to stay on track and maybe get sober and whatever else. How am I going to explain that life doesn't work like that? That kind of stuff is for movies.

I love Ex and I want him to be okay, but I'm not IN love with him. He thinks he knows me, and he knows parts of me, but due to his lifelong struggle with drugs and alcohol, he is really not equipped to follow me into the emotional depths where I go. This was evident even in our short time together-- he would get angry at me for experiencing emotions he didn't understand... like a child, he didn't understand why everything couldn't be simple just because we wished it was so. He was often critical of me about this, and accused me of being controlling and oversensitive.

I forgave all that to preserve our friendship, but I tried to remind him of this when we spoke. He apologized for his actions during that time, I said it was understandable since he was newly sober and just getting to know himself. He thinks he's so different now... but he doesn't know me... and he thinks just because Frank and I don't live together that our relationship is nothing? He was actually surprised when I said, "I'm in a relationship... I'm in love with another man!" "Oh, you love him?" was his response. Well why did he think I was with Frank all this time. "Well you said it wasn't going so good." I don't know where Ex got this idea... I never told him that. I specifically never told him that Frank and I were having problems because I didn't want him to have any hope about him and me.

Well I'm sure this will be an interesting conversation, at any rate. Even if Frank and I don't work out, I wouldn't consider it. The only tempting thing that came to me was moving back to my hometown... I guess there are some things and some people that I miss... so, for an instant, that part was calling to my heart. Nothing about being with the Ex, or sharing a life with him. I don't have an interest in that. It's really over in that way for us (it was never really there, actually). And the reality of my hometown is that there is no life there for me. It's a small town without many venues to express myself.

It's another thing to stress about. I'm probably just dramatizing the whole thing because I'm on such a roll...

But I had to be honest and listen to the part of me that wished I could just run away. That part believed in a fantasy that everything would be EASIER. Life in this city is so hard, I feel like I'm running on a hamster wheel most days, getting nowhere. So the part that was tempted is the dreamer who wants to walk in the woods, who wants to not have to work so hard. The escapist. Because everything feels like such a struggle, especially now.

[previous] [next]

Photobucket
S DUCKIE
archives ~ profile ~
~ email ~ gbook ~ notes ~
~ host ~ image ~ design ~