Hi Diary,

Well, guess what. I found out the answer to the big question on Friday afternoon, but didn't bother to update till now. Around three I got this email from Frank:

"Dear Duck,

So, these 48 days are coming to an end. I don't want to make any assumptions that you want to get together, but do you want to make a plan?

This weekend is not good for me. My friend ____ is moving, so he invited me to a party tomorrow to meet his family (he is interested in what I will think of his family) and then later to meet his friends and colleagues. On Sunday, I have a new project for work, and if all goes well, I will be working on this project on Friday nights after I rearrange my schedule. So, is next weekend good for you? Saturday night or Sunday? Or some night next week?

I am a little anxious.

Love,

Frank"

Can I just say, WHAT THE FUCK. a) the agreement was for May 1st, rain or shine, which I assume to mean, whatever decision he makes, he's going to tell me on May 1st. b) at this point, it's clearly evident that he's not chomping at the bit to see me, so I've kind of got the answer all ready, but in the worst possible way, adding insult to injury. c) does he really think I give a flying fuck what his plans for the weekend are?

So here's what I did. Called him on the phone immediately.

HIM: hello?

ME: hi.

HIM: Duck?

ME: yeah.

HIM: how are you?

ME: well, I just got your email, so why don't you tell me what's going on with you.

HIM: I really don't want to do this over the phone.

ME: considering you didn't make any space to do it this weekend, I would rather you just tell me now. I don't want to wait another week.

HIM: well, I... I really can't do this over the phone.

ME: listen, I did what you wanted. I gave you a month and a half with no interruptions. now you need to tell me what's going on. it's a yes or no question. just answer it.

HIM: - - -

ME: take a deep breath...

HIM: I'm trying to breathe...

(pause)

HIM: I'm just not... capable of being in a relationship. there were a lot of things that worried me. I never saw myself having a future with you. and how sometimes I was attracted to you and sometimes I wasn't. that always bothered me. I really care about you and... but I.... (fizzles out)

ME: You don't have to give me an explanation. I just wanted to know. Thank you. I'll write you an email later this week about picking up some of my stuff and returning some of yours.

(pause)

HIM: that's it?

ME: um... yeah, is there anything else you need to say?

HIM: there's no opportunity for friendship?

ME (thinking: is this guy for real?): (deep breath, best kindergarten-teacher voice): I can't... be around you right now. It's not that I'm angry at you about your decision... you can't make yourself do something you don't want to do, or control your feelings, but I have to protect myself.

HIM (sounding like he's choking back a sob): ...yeah...

ME: okay then, I'll email you next week. Take care.

HIM: bye.

(click)

Well, Diary, you probably knew this was going to happen, right, just not this way. I am so pissed that he handled it like this. He couldn't have set aside one hour to tell me what he had to tell me. It's not like he didn't know the date in advance. And I doubt the party, or his project meeting, took all 12 hours out of the day.

And of course I am heartbroken. A little in shock and denial. I keep thinking it is like a dream. Maybe the relationship was more in my head than anything. Meaning that, maybe in my imagination I just made it better than it was. So in my head it hasn't died quite yet.

Regardless, I know that after almost two years I deserve better than that.

Now it's just a matter of going to pick up my stuff.

Ugh.

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