Dear Diary,

This is what I've learned today:

A taste of my own medicine.

It's all about vulnerability.

After my call, I'm sitting here thinking about Frank's reaction. Thinking, what does he really need to think about that he will have to call me back? Maybe he will not want to be friends.

And that thought is extremely painful. Because, despite everything, despite the fucked-up way this has ended, I still love him, obviously, and we have been true true friends through the whole relationship. I was used to thinking that Frank just wanted out of the romance part but wanted to be friends. Now the thought that he might not want to be friends, well, that just hurts. Poor Frank. This must be what he felt like on Friday.

Sure, in my all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking, I was saying to myself, either he's going to be my lover or nothing at all... at least for a while... I'm sure we can be friends in the future but not now. Was that really what I was thinking, or was me cutting him off for such a length of time really about me trying to gain some control over something? Kind of like, "Well, Frank, you called the separation before, now I'm calling the shots." No longer feeling so vulnerable and hopeless. Instead feeling like he was waiting for ME. Since this morning the tables have turned, and once again I feel like the vulnerable one.

It just gave me a glimpse of the power games in relationships, how everyone is scrambling to feel safe, whether it be conscious or unconscious maneuvers.

My hope is that we can get to the heart of the matter without all the games. I think I am learning what true vulnerability is. This is something different. I have learned that to truly love someone it takes incredible courage, and that it's so easy to hide vulnerability behind righteousness.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry, everyone.

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