I wonder if it really makes a difference what one does. I mean, if I just say or do one thing different, I wonder if it can really change the course of things.

See, this is where you are going to think I am crazy... but it's like I get these messages. Or a strong feeling that I'm suddenly supposed to do something. Do you ever get that?

This is what happened on Sunday... I went out dancing, the usual place, the usual gropers and some nice guys, etc. But as I was leaving, the coat-check girl, whom Frank and I have seen many times over the past couple of years, said to me, "Where is your friend? I haven't seen you with him in such a long time."

"Oh. Well, we split up."

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she said, and she really did look sorry. "What happened?"

"Nobody's sorrier than me," I told her. "I don't know, it just... things just felt like they got out of hand. We both really care about each other, but I think he's having some kind of crisis."

"Oh, yeah, guys have those. Just like women do. But you never know, things may turn around. There's no reason you guys can't be friends, right? I mean, you looked so good together! You should invite him to come next week, it's our last Sunday of dancing before the summer. You know, just call him up, and come as friends. It's good to stay friends."

"Well I don't know," I told her. "This all just happened on Friday."

I don't know why I was opening up to the coat-check girl, I asked her if she was like a bartender and people just told her all their problems. She did seem genuinely sorry for me. For some reason, what she said stuck in my head, and I thought, well, what if we did have on last night of dancing to close off the spring? For some reason this started to feel like the right thing to do. I thought it might be some kind of temporary insanity.

I spoke with another friend and he encouraged me to do things differently. Here's my usual m.o.: I'm terrified of being left, and worry about it the whole time I'm in relationship. Then when it does happen, I want to cut everything off completely. My friend told me, "Why does everything have to be so black and white with you? What if you did something different?"

Having chewed on that for a while, I called Frank this morning.

HIM: Hello?

ME: Hi Frank?

HIM: Yes?

ME: It's me.

HIM: Duck?

ME: Yes.

HIM: Oh...good morning.

ME: Good morning. Listen, I decided not to be so black and white about everything... I did want to say though, that that email thing really hurt me. Do you understand what I'm saying?

HIM: Yeah.

ME: We had an agreement to meet on May 1st, and I took that to mean that you would let me know your decision on that day, not that you would extend it another week. It added insult to injury and I know that after almost two years I deserve better than that. It was really cheap. That really hurt me.

(pause)

ME: And the other thing I'm calling about is that this weekend is the last Sunday for dancing at ______, and I'm going to be there, maybe some girls from my class will be going too, so I wanted to say... uh, you know, if you wanted to come, maybe I'll see you there.

(pause)

ME: Hello? Are you still there?

HIM: I'm here.

ME: Are you okay?

HIM: I'm okay.

ME: Okay. So... the only thing I really need is my textbook, so maybe, you could mail that to me... or if you are ever in my neighorbood you can just drop it off, even give it to my super, ok? I just need it.

HIM: Okay.

(pause)

ME: Well... okay, I mean, do you want to say anything? Or do you just want me to hang up?

HIM: I, uh, I'll call you later... I've got to think about what you just said.

ME: Okay then... bye.

HIM: Bye-bye.

(click)

What do you think of that? Weird, huh. He wants to be friends, but then I call him and he doesn't even talk to me. Oh well, I said my piece about what made me mad, and I left the door open. I hope he wasn't half-asleep, because that would be kinda crazy, wouldn't it? Me saying all that stuff and he doesn't even hear it.

Oh well. I do my best.

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