Dear Diary,

Yesterday I had therapy, and it seemed to me like my therapist was trying to make a point. You know, like therapists do, even though they don't really give you advice. Instead they try to present you with all these different viewpoints so you'll see what they're driving at, and then you think you just made the decision yourself.

I told her all about the latest package, and how much it irks me that Frank won't just be a man and call me on the phone. Instead it feels like he controls everything; primarly, the method of contact. He leaves me a three-line note that says, "write me" so now I'm supposed to write him, because he prompted me.

TherapistLady suggested that maybe Frank is doing the best he can, he is obviously inept in the ways of intimacy and communicating, as he has shown over the course of the relationship. So, her point is, how is he to know how I want to be communicated with, if I don't tell him?

Aah, I say, but it is a catch-22: you see, TherapistLady, I tell her, if I now write him or call him and tell him that I wish for him to show up in an adult manner, then once again, I'm showing up first. Just like when he dodged me with the email, and I called him. Just like when I had the balls to call him a few days later to try to patch the sore spots, and establish that I would meet him out. Just like the whole entire relationship, where, even though I may have been scared, I took the risk of saying what I needed to say. Showing up. That's what it's about. I've already let him know that I want him to show up. I've already told him he can call me when he wants.

I am tired of pursuing him, I tell her. I even realized about the phone call- the one after he dropped off the box and was running away- that we got cut off, and he didn't call me back. So, I called him back- and he was on the other line (?). Strange, I thought. Still no ring from him, so I call him back one last time. Was he ever going to phone me back? I was still PURSUING him. Whatever story he has going on, that I hate him and don't want to talk to him (even though I'm talking to him at the time) is so incredibly powerful that I'll ALWAYS be chasing him to try to fix it.

And that's pretty fucking exhausting.

And I don't want to do it anymore.

I didn't want to do it in the relationship, and I don't want to do it in a "friendship" either. What kind of friendship would it be?

Here is what I want: I want Frank to want to be in contact with me enough that he will take the risk. That he will take the risk of calling on the phone, knowing I may hang up on him. That he would see me face to face, knowing there is a possibility that I might be angry or disappointed.

Because this other way just isn't fair. He drops whatever he deems appropriate, whether it be a note, or some stuff, and disappears. He gets to do what he wants, but I have no chance to reciprocate, either because I had no forewarning to prepare, or simply because he's not physically there. That's some kind of game, no?

The risk of any true friendship or relationship, is one of confrontation. When there is an uncomfortable thing going on between two people- for one person to show up, state what's going on for them, and then STICK AROUND to hear the other person's side-- for better or for worse. It's very scary for both people. It's frightening sometimes to know that someone else isn't happy with us, especially if we care about that person. It's sometimes frightening to let someone know that you're upset about something they did.

My whole life I've been that person that tries to take that first courageous step and initiate adult communication. I even tried it with CF, but as you know, she totally doesn't play fair- she starts inventing things and flinging mud. But I am tired of being that person, and I don't see why I should have to teach Frank how to treat me. He should know me well enough, I think.

So here's the deal: yes, I wish we could be in relationship again. But, if we were, I would want him to want me. You know those movies where the woman is about to get on the plane and the man is running through the airport to stop her before she flies away forever? Yeah. That's what I want. Not necessarily that whole drama, but the feeling that somebody cares if I go or if I stay. Frank described himself as "ambivalent" about being in a relationship with me. Meaning that he just would have let me get on the plane, figuring I'd made my decision and why should he interfere with it. I've realized I don't want an "ambivalent" relationship anymore. I'm better than that. My ass alone is better than that, not to mention all this great personality I have! (ha ha). Point being, why would I want to go from my "ambivalent" relationship to an "ambivalent" friendship? Whoo-hoo, what a fucking deal, where do I sign up?

Maybe Trevor is right, maybe he does miss me, maybe there is a chance that we will get back together. However, I can't help him do what I want him to do most. The more I try to make it easy for him, the more I'm doing everything.

And if Trevor's wrong, and if it's just friends we shall be, then I reiterate, why would I want to chase someone around so they can be my friend?

Fuck that noise.

Duck

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