Dear Diary,

Last night on my way home from the terrible date with Bernard, I just broke down in tears. It seems the more time I spend with other men, the more I miss Frank.

I went home, and felt sore and miserable, and was wondering what was wrong with me. My whole body hurt, I don't know if I've been overdoing it at the gym. Then I realized, Duck, you are tired. You went to bed at 2am last night, you need to sleep. It's nothing that can be fixed by eating or a pill or doing more or doing less, you need to sleep.

So I slept. It was the best thing for me, and I do feel better today. Work was hectic this morning, it always gets this way before a long weekend, I don't know why.

My sister Delia invited me to her place for the weekend, which I suppose is as good a place as any. Normally I hang out with Anna and Kelly on Memorial Day weekend, but, I have not spoken to them for a couple of months due to the Frank thing. For a couple reasons, I guess: one is that I know that Anna has been hanging out with Psycho, and I don't want to talk to Anna about what happened between Frank and me. I don't want Psycho energy around here these days. Also, I guess I feel a bit ashamed. I don't know why. Maybe because it didn't work out, and I know Psycho and her friends were rooting for it not to work out for me and Frank from the beginning. So I'm just not ready to deal with it. To make it public. Maybe I'm just strange, but we've been the subject of vicious gossip in Psycho's group for a couple of years, and I can't pile that onto my heartache too.

I remember writing in a previous entry, "If Frank left me, would I cry because Frank left me, or would I cry because I am alone?"

Well I have my answer. I don't much mind being alone. I'd rather be alone and without Frank than be around others and without Frank. So I guess I must really miss something about him. I know there were so many ways that he was ambivalent, but at the same time, there were so many ways that I felt at home with him, for the first time in my life- I let him in more than I've ever let anybody in.

I guess heartache is inevitable then.

That's what life is all about, if you want to really live it.

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