Hi Diary,

Busy weekend as I knew it would be. Saturday I worked for Talia and ran around getting things done before my trip.

Sunday I had a "date" with Stan, who's really okay-- he seemed pretty nervous though, which I guess is okay too, but I wonder why I don't feel nervous about meeting people. I actually really like him and his sense of humor, but I don't feel attracted to him in "that way". Usually it's an immediate thing with me. He treated me for everything, which was unexpected, and unlike Mr. BadDate, he seemed to possess an internal censor so he didn't say anything overwhelmingly stupid or gross. Hmm.

So that was all okay, but then as soon as my mom calls me and asks how I am, I just start to cry, because I realize I am sad every single day, and I am just going through the motions with everything I do, and it's exhausting. Really exhausting... I'm hoping that in going away maybe I can express more of what's going on for me, you know, I don't mind going to the training and being "the sad girl" so much, it's just hard to do it in my life right now.

I'm feeling the "I have to leave in 2 days" pressure, and like I don't have enough time to complete everything I need to do. There's general stuff like making sure my bills are all paid, books returned to the library, arranging for someone to water my plants (god help those little guys). And other things like having to pick up items at the store... exciting I know!

So I'm trying to balance all these stressful elements in a way that works... I don't want to get sick before I go... that often happens to me before a big trip (pre-trip stress, I guess). I have to work for Talia today and tomorrow, which doesn't help with the time factor, but at least I do look forward to going to work for her.

I've been reading a book called "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love" by Elaine Aron, Ph.D., the idea is that there are people who are more sensitive, not only emotionally but physically as well, and they process things in a different way. This book in particular is about relationships, and I was just affected by this quote:

"What do you do if you find yourself in love with someone who cannot or will not reciprocate? You must learn to ride this tiger of impossible love, to make it transformative, not humiliating, permanently damaging, or a means to avoid a closer relationship. In particular, you'll need the strength to subdue your determination to have an outer relationship with an unavailable person...

You also need to believe that you deserve real commitment, attention, and caring from an outer lover....

Perhaps the best brief course in transforming an impossible love into what you need comes from Carl Jung. He was fond of saying that the unconscious creates just such terrible situations 'in order to force the individual to bring out his very best...to renounce one's will and one's own wit and do nothing but wait and trust to the impersonal power of growth and development.' So when up against a wall, Jung would always say that to see over the wall you must not struggle and climb, but put down roots like a tree and wait for clarity to come from deeper sources. When up against an impossible love, go inside and down into your depths, then wait for the psyche to reveal the purpose of this passion."

I like that... that whole tree thing... I feel that I am doing things differently, rather than collapsing-- instead still working on myself (therapy, the gym, time alone, the training). I know I have still engaged in struggle and trying to gain some sense of control (the psychics) but, I figure, it's better than chasing Frank around, which I would have done in the past. So something about this passage encourages me to be strong, and assures me that it's okay to be still. That I don't have to push myself to do more than I can emotionally, mentally, or physically handle (like communicate with certain people, or beat myself up because I don't feel attracted to someone else).

There is also a chapter or two that talks about projection, and I know I have said this so many other times before in my diary, but I really want to know more about the part of myself that so fears intimacy that I choose men who live it out for me.

Always work to do.

Thanks for listening.

Duck

[previous] [next]