Dear Diary,

Today an email from Frank:

***

Dear Duck:

I am looking at a calendar. I am sending a message of a wish and a hope that the training week is satisfying and fulfilling for you.

I want to know if it is OK if I call you (before or after) to talk. To say hello and talk some more. Just let me know how you feel about this...yes or no.

I am well. I miss you. I do and feel my life.

Safe travels,

Frank

***

as predicted. I don't know really how to respond to this. I already told him, a month ago, that it was okay to call me. I guess he really doesn't listen, and he's obviously so afraid to reach out.

It's pretty annoying.

Also annoying is that he has to tell me how "well" he is all the time. Do you think that's a bluff? What does "I feel my life" mean???

Yeah, yeah, I know, I complain that he doesn't reach out to me, I complain when he does. I guess I have to let go of the expectation that he's going to do it "right", the way I want.

I'm going to give it some time and see how I feel. Because I'm not really sure at the moment. I guess hopeful, because this is what I was told would happen, and supposedly is the beginning of the long road of us getting back together. But a little scared also, because I don't know if I can handle any more waiting... waiting with no contact is one thing, but to hear his voice, and see him, is another thing totally. I don't think I can just talk small talk and pretend I don't love him anymore, and listen to him talk about how happy he is without me (not that he'd say it like that, but, you know, you get my point-- like he'll be just telling me how great his life is going and how he's doing XYZ and ugh, just thinking about it makes me want to puke). The truth is, I'm not really interested in friendship, not when I'm still in love with someone.

And also, it makes me afraid to be angry with him about his treatment of me, because then if there is a chance I'm afraid I'll "ruin" it, and drive him away. I know that it's not worth anything to swallow my anger, but I feel like I have to figure out how I feel first. You know?

What do you think?

Love,

Duck

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