Note to self:

Having conversations with ex-boyfriends can make you lose your appetite.

How did my sushi lunch suddenly become so tasteless?

Yes, another phone call from Frank. Responding to my message. He said he didn't like the way it went either. I tell him he didn't really sound interested in doing a separation thing with me. I ask him why he really wants to do it. If he wants to do it at all. If he's just doing it out of obligation to me, then what's the point? Or only to be friends with me. He said isn't that a good enough reason? I guess. Then he says he thinks the closing needs something more than just being thankful, that something's missing. What more does he want? I'm telling him what I need, but to him it doesn't sound like the right things.

ME: Listen Frank, I just feel like I didn't get to participate in the last two months. You don't show up, you drop things by my house, you're not there to experience me reciprocating. Now this is my choice about how to end...

HIM: Well, what about this stuff that's coming up now? The anger you are experiencing?

ME: Yeah, the anger I'm experiencing? What can I do about it? All the anger that I have starts about your behavior from May 1st on... when you didn't show up. Up until then I was okay... I mean, we parted in a reasonably conscious, present manner... with intention. But what can I tell you about the last few months? Not much. Yeah, I'm pissed. You didn't show up and I have no idea what was going on for you...

HIM: Well there was a reason, I needed more time.

ME: And you could have told me you needed more time...

HIM: And there was a lot going on with me...

ME: Do you want to tell me about that?

HIM: I do, but can I tell you when we meet?

ME: Okay. Now that's what I wanted to know. Something that you wanted to incorporate into the ritual. That's something you need.

Do you see how he turns it around? Making it sound like my idea is "wrong" and that I'm omitting something that needs to be processed, when really it's his desire and need that something else be added to it. Jesus. We are both so controlling.

At any rate, it was a long conversation, much was said, and I ended up just bursting into tears at the end. I didn't want to cry, especially in front of him (well, on the phone with him, anyway) but I remember having a conversation with my roommate at the training about this. Pretending not to be hurt. What's the point. She said it's best just to be authentic. So, that's authentically what I was feeling. And he had to get back to work. I told him I hate when the conversations end shitty like this. He said he'd call me later.

Yuck yuck yuck.

Don't know about now. I might call Alphie just to connect, hear his voice and get excited about going to see him. I know my being with him is not going to "fix" anything about my heart-- or is it? I guess there's healing in everything. I don't want him to feel used or like an emotional pitstop though.

Love,

Duck

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